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Achingly, painful hurt (this is VERY long)

Posted by saw on September 15, 2004, at 3:12:45

This was written last night and typed unedited today. It is very long, I will not be offended if no-one reads.
Sabrina
**********

I am hurting so much tonight, I don’t even know how to put thought to pen and pen to paper. But I hurt, and I need a friend who understands, so bear with me, while I ramble and rant and vent, on and on and on.

Against my wishes, tears are welling up. Well, I say let them fall. If only they would take the pain away. But the pain stays.

If I become incoherent, forgive me. It’s 8.08 pm and I have a glass or 4 under the belt.

My husband, who is “trying to understand”, who “supports me”, apparently feels feathers. He blew up at me today and said so many really hurtful things.

He went to the pharmacy for me to fetch my meds and they wouldn’t give it on the basis that they did not have a new script. The original states “Rpt x 5” but according to them, not acceptable. My dilemma? Meds finished. My reaction? Blast husband. His reaction? Freak out. Totally. All that “understanding and patience” – POOF. Ow Ow Ow. Tears. Pulling at my hair. Scratching at my face. It hurts so much, all the things he said. He sounded just like every other monumental idiot who does not understand, or even worse, who WILL NOT tolerate depression. He basically told me that I am responsible for my own “condition” and with having everything that I want, there is no excuse for being unhappy. He said that he is sick of “all this sh1t” and that I should just *censored* move on and *get over it*. Oh, sore! Very very sore. My hurt is deep and total. He told me two nights ago that he is my pillar of strength. Today he told me bleep off!

I am due to fly out of town with him tomorrow for a sporting commitment. He told me to take the air ticket and shove it up my …. To cut a long story short (shorter) I declared defeat because no. 1 really want to go, and no. 2 would have lost the money on the air ticket. He said he would pay it back, no matter …..

So, I have just finished packing for both of us. He WARNED me to control myself and my behaviour and not to embarrass him etc. etc. This was after throwing the suitcase at me, well, just in front of me. I ignored that!

I take some sort of solace in that he relented because once he has made his mind up – he does not change it. EVER. Well, he just did (even if I groveled somewhat). That says to me, that yes he is hurt, yes he is angry, but yes, he does still love me.

I suspect that my husband, whom I adore, whom I idolize and wish I didn’t, he’s not perfect, really does not have an inkling of a notion of what I am going through and what I have been through. He indicated that I seem to ENJOY being like this. I’m crying again. That ripped me apart. He has no idea how wrong he is. And I can’t tell him he’s wrong. He said that he “couldn’t care less” about what I feel right now. I suppose I can’t blame him.

I have hurt him. So badly. And the sh1tiest thing of all is that he has hurt me right back. He calls it justification. When I mentioned the chemical imbalance, I was met with such sarcasm and told not to look for scapegoats or things to blame, it’s my fault and I am to blame.

Now, having all these horrid and unnecessary things being said to me, I don’t want to lose this man. I love him with all my being. How do I stop myself from pushing him away from me when this is not what I want to do. He hurt me. I am so sore. He told me he is not bothered that I am hurting and that I don’t respect him. How far did I go that he thinks I don’t respect him?

I do, I really do. I ache for him when he is not with me. He is my whole life. Where do I go from here? I hurt so bad. So bad. So bad. And right now, I’m too drunk to care. Oh yes, he’s not at home.

None of this happened before my previous *It’s hopeless” post. That says something doesn’t it. Now I really feel hopeless.

I am writing this down. It is now 9.33pm. I have 6 to 60 glasses under the belt. I am giggling at my handwriting. I am crying. I am crying. I am crying at my lonely and selfish pain.


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