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Re: This Is Me ***TRIGGER*** » SandyWeb

Posted by ghost on July 16, 2004, at 12:45:42

In reply to Re: This Is Me ***TRIGGER*** » ghost, posted by SandyWeb on July 16, 2004, at 9:45:28

last night i was mentally calculated how many pills i needed to take to overdose. death is always at my door it seems. i always think about it, but i don't always plan it out.

i don't know what's wrong with me... it' sno one magical thing that makes me depressed and no one thing that makes me manic, it's just that i'm depressed right now.

it's easier to concentrate on others than it is to concentrate on myself. and now that i'm back in with my parents, it's so hard to be myself... i'm hiding these inner feelings deep down and it's starting to tear me apart.

i liked how you told us what made you tick. what makes me tick? hm...

*i couldn't fight him off. i had no more fight left in me. i'd just told him it was over, that i was leaving him tomorrow. i just let him do what he needed to do.

*i couldn't figt him off, either. before i could try to get out the word "no" it was all over. i was too drunk. much too drunk.

*i know i saw a heart rhythm on the monitor. but my partner was too gung-ho with the defibrillator and whatever was there, he zapped away with that second shock. maybe i imagined the rhythm, but if he'd waited a second, i would have known for sure.

*i have nightmares. about things i can't control.

*no matter what i do, i always have to ask someone for help. i'll never be self-sufficient.

*i'm never thanked irl. i'm never acknowledged. i'm there when someone needs to talk, but when i need to talk, the room is emtpy. or people don't understand.

*i'm so very much in love with someone i can never have. it hurts every day. i just want someone i can have, but i could never give myself to someone when my heart belongs to someone else. i don't cry about him any more, but my heart aches every day.


...it felt good to get some of this out. thanks.

(hugs)
ghost


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