Posted by Racer on June 1, 2004, at 13:07:14
In reply to Re: forgive forget / hate remember » partlycloudy, posted by kellyr. on June 1, 2004, at 12:42:15
Call him. It's not being a "baby" -- it's a crisis, even if it seems to you that you're overreacting to nothing current. Calling your therapist in a crisis is considered normal.
I went through something similar about 15 years ago. The man who subjected me to years of emotional and sexual abuse died, and I broke into tiny pieces -- and berated myself daily for being affected by it. It would have been much healthier for me to have gotten therapy at the time (no means of access then) and would have processed all the perfectly appropriate feelings about it. Hearing about him at all probably brought up the memories and feelings for you now, as it did for me then. For me, knowing he was dead was no relief, somehow. It felt as if it hurt worse that nothing ever happened to him for what he did to me, and to others. In a lot of ways, I'm still not over it -- neither the abuse itself, nor the trauma his death caused me.
When I was in college, my college roommate's coworker was raped at work. She came to stay with us for a few days, and I was there when the police came to interview her with pictures. She identified the rapist, and the detective closed the folder and said something like, "OK, that's over then -- we found his body this morning." Then he left. That poor girl was devastated -- it certainly wasn't anything like over for her, but there was nowhere to focus that upset. I think we need some sort of action in order to close out the trauma, and most of us never get it. That, of course, is what therapy provides us.
My heart goes out to you, kellyr, and I wish you the best.