Posted by Racer on May 11, 2004, at 13:36:14
In reply to priceless quote from parent, posted by Emme on May 11, 2004, at 11:36:29
I just got back from a medical appointment, where I had to include talking about the depression, the medications, etc. It was hard as hell. I was defensive, too: "During that depressive episode, I still managed to teach 8 to 12 classes per week, and while people may have known something was wrong, I don't think they knew how bad it was -- and my students still learned their stuff!" See, even though I'm Mentally Ill, I could still do what I'm supposed to do.
It is hard, and I'll see your parental tact with another: my mother is concerned with my weight, right? So, we're out one day looking at yarn, and she says in her whisper (heard in the next time zone), "That woman shouldn't be knitting, she should be at the gym." Says that sort of thing about 90% of the women we saw in our quest for The Perfect Yarn. Then, at lunch that day, she starts into a diatribe about how she's obviously never had a problem like that with self-indulgence and laziness, because she's never had a weight problem! Hello? Mom? On *this* planet, a day of those messages could almost be predicted to confirm my weight problems, you know? Maybe it's hearing those things all these years that leads to things that worry you about me, like eating one quarter of what's on my plate for lunch, instead of eating a normal amount? Maybe it wouldn't feel so much like the end of the world to gain a pound or two -- or even thirty -- if I didn't know that eating when you're hungry is the definition of self-indulgence and laziness and is an outward manifestation of all the bad character traits and dirtiness inside me?
The good news is that I recognize what's happening better now, but the bad news is that the messages were received pretty constantly most of my life -- along with comments about how fat I was -- and they're deeply embedded in my own psyche.
You know why parents can push our buttons so well? They installed them.
Hope knowing someone else relates helps.