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Re: My boyfriend's depression is driving me crazy! » rachel11

Posted by spoc on May 3, 2004, at 7:44:09

In reply to Re: My boyfriend's depression is driving me crazy!, posted by rachel11 on May 2, 2004, at 1:54:18

Hi Rachel,

It sounds like your boyfriend is the one pressing for answers about your relationship. Hopefully, you have a feel for the strength of his commitment to getting help by now, and perhaps can also look at his general follow-through abilities in other areas. If you've never said much about how his issues trouble you before, I agree it is a hard thing to bring up as well as to hear. But he needs to realize, at least eventually, that it's an important thing to cover for both your sakes. And if he doesn't, it may show something about his ability and willingness to handle these things as best he can. It sounds like you've put a lot of yourself into him, and he should try to reciprocate where he can.

I agree with everything Dinah said about realistic negotiations, and she covered it so well that from that perspective, there's not much I can add. So I'll add more perspective on the dynamics between just one couple dealing with the depression and mood swings of one of them, namely my ex-fiance and myself. But remember, I'm the one who wasn't committed to getting help, for his sake or my own.

I have grown up a lot since then (or least, having 'indulged' myself in living alone ever since, I believe I have!), but at that time, he would often "have to" cajole, dance, serve, tickle, entertain or motivate me out of whatever state I had gotten into. Lying in bed staring at the wall for long periods; being unreasonable and unreachable; or whatever it was I was doing. Sometimes I would then come around. At times I would even find myself giggling at his sweet and silly attempts to snap me out of myself, and occasionally feel so much better after awhile that I would get in a much better mood and agree to go somewhere he wanted to with him.

But not infrequently, after we got there, some kind of passive agressive behavior on his part would set in. Like stopping to look at something while I continued walking and talking to him, not realizing he wasn't there, and he knew it. Sometimes I would have a hard time finding him when I started looking. And it was definitely not in fun. He could also become aloof and sarcastic.

Or, for the remainder of the day, he might without a word resist letting a really good vibe take over, being uncooperative and pretending to be adverse to things and suggestions that he was in reality always in the mood for. Like a favorite restaurant, store or type of movie when we were trying to decide on something. But if a friend of his came over during this time, he would suddenly be greatly in the mood for whatever the thing was that I couldn't get him interested in.

None of these things reflected what he was really like. I know that it was just the stress of what he had gone through to pull me up finally taking its toll on him once the effort had made a dent in me, and I seemed safe and reasonably interested in life again.

Ultimately, and even after we were older and that kind of thing wasn't happening as much anymore, we did part, for reasons that at the time I didn't think were directly related to my issues. What had mainly happened was that, although I loved him very much as a person, I had lost my attraction to him. And I knew that in our case and at that time, neither one of us could have been happy that way for long.

At the time I could only guess that what had happened was that we had met when we were pretty young -- and I had gone through so many phases and felt like I had grown up with him -- that eventually even though we were more compatible than ever, I had come to think of him more as family than a love interest.

But now I wonder if in reality, I had come to think of him as a caretaker (which wasn't sexy for either of us), and one who knew too much. Old patterns were easy for both of us to anticipate and slip into at the first sign of conflict, and we didn't have intimacy to help hold us together anymore. I think I wanted to disassociate myself from what I had been like, and see what it felt like to be with people who didn't know those things. In his eyes, I guess I couldn't stop seeing reflected back at me the person I didn't want to be seen as anymore. Even when he wasn't giving any indication of seeing me that way. And I felt like I would always continue to lean on him, but with ever decreasing reward for him.

These are just the ways in which my own problems affected one serious relationship. But I was immature and never really tried to get help at all. It wasn't ages ago or anything, but at the time I don't seem to recall therapy and various treatments being a common thing (or maybe just a commonly admitted thing) amongst people my age, which now it obviously is amongst all ages and demographics. Things have come a long way since then! :- )


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