Posted by Emme on April 29, 2004, at 21:47:11
In reply to Mother Question - Was I Right or Was I Wrong?, posted by Susan J on April 26, 2004, at 13:34:34
Hey Susan,
A few quick words before I conk out tonight. I haven't read the other posts in this thread, but my therapist and I have discussed something sort of similar. My therapist's suggestion was that if I was accused of being too sensitive or thin-skinned, that I should say something generally to the effect of "I may be sensitive, Mom, but if you know that, why would you choose to say something that you know will distress me?"
Now you don't sound unreasonably sensitive to me. But I think the point is that it doesn't matter if you are "oversensitive" or not (which is kind of a subjective thing anyway). The point is that she should make a good faith effort to not behave in a way that she knows will be upsetting to you. Especially if it's something like yelling, which *nobody* enjoys. After all, you showed a lot of consideration and tact in responding to *her*.
Let's see...another way of thinking about it....would she think it was okay to yell at dinner guests? Probably not. As family, then, you ought to get at least that much consideration. Sure, people lose their tempers and yell, but the graceful thing to do is apologize for it.
Don't doubt yourself. I'd give you an A+ in tactful "mother management" and for calmly stating your needs. You ready to take on the Middle East yet? :)
I hope you're feeling less stressed.
Emme
> Hiya, everyone.
>
> Was over my parents' briefly this weekend. I was eating an apple, and asked my mother if I was supposed to give the core of the apple to her dog, she said yes. (The dog was begging HUGE). I walked over to him and called out to my mother, "Does he get the whole core?" She said yes.
>
> So I gave him the whole core. Well, that wasn't the right thing to do, Mom usually gives him the core cut up in pieces. I know my question wasn't clear enough. But she started yelling at me because the dog carried it over to the living room rug and proceeded to eat it, dropping bits of apple on the rug. This drove my mother nuts and she was yelling at me, saying I was stupid that I should have known to cut up the core. The dog is 110 pounds, I didn't think a whole apple core would hurt him. She was so upset, she was almost crying, wailing "Oh, SUSAN!"
>
> Anyway, I told her I understood she was upset, that I was sorry, that I'd clean up any mess the dog left on the rug, and I asked her to please not yell at me. She went off on that, almost in a hysterical tone of voice, "I don't have the right to express frustration in MY OWN HOUSE?"
>
> I told her she had every right to express frustration in her own house, that I understood *why* she was upset, but please don't yell at me. Then she said, which is was she ALWAYS says, that I'm just TOO SENSITIVE.
>
> I KNOW I'm very sensitive, so I have doubts about whether it was OK to stand up for myself, which is how I saw it. And her yelling at me puts me in a bad mood for a few hours, at least, after she does it. And she got upset with me again for being in a lousy mood.
>
> I've asked my therapist this same thing before. Does my mother have a right to yell AT me? I'm 37. Was I disrespecting her by asking her not to yell at me? She kept repeating that it was her house. To me, I was only trying to get minimal respect for myself, I wasn't trying to minimize how upset she was.
>
> Am I too sensitive? Was it OK to ask her to not yell at me? There was no doubt she wasn't just mad at the situation, she was mad at *me.*
>
> ?
>
> Thanks for any input you have.
>
> Doubting, Low-Self-Esteem Susan
poster:Emme
thread:340233
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040422/msgs/341535.html