Posted by SandyWeb on April 25, 2004, at 8:19:24
In reply to Sandy - trigger » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on April 24, 2004, at 20:07:42
Good morning Jlynne,
You're silly. *big hug* Of course I'm not planning something. I just need some time alone. Maybe get drunk, maybe order room service, maybe just sit by a window way up high and look out at the city all day. Just some "alone time", that's all. Besides, there aren't any special "dates" left for April. Lol. Can't do it without a special date! Ha!
As for the bill money....well, it's the only money that I have. And I still haven't appealed Welfare's decision to cut me off, so it may be the last money I'll be seeing for awhile. It just takes too much energy to fill out the paperwork, and THEN I'd still have to meet with my worker to sign the forms. Ugh. It just requires too much of a clear head right now, and I can't do it. Guess we'll be out on the street soon. Ha! But as for the bill money....don't concern yourself with that, hun. I don't have any other funds to play with....there's nothing more to it than that.
As for "hurting myself"....well, that hasn't really stopped yet. I still cut my arm, although the last time was Tuesday, I think. And it's nothing serious.....no stitches or butterflies required. Lol. They are not suicide attempts, either. Believe me, I know where the arteries are....I would know where to cut. This is just something I seem to be doing recently when I feel overwhelmed.....better than killing myself, right? It's really no big deal, so again....don't be concerned about it. It looks worse in writing than on flesh. Lol.
I am fine. I feel like I have "Yo Yo" written across my forehead because of all the ups and downs that I'm experiencing, and I really don't know what to make of that. I just get a taste of stability, and then I go bouncing on down again. Argh! If I were bipolar, I'd say that I was rapid cycling. It's really, really messing with me. I mean, how much of this can a person tolerate in one day?? When you mentioned that I'd have "ups" and "downs", I thought you meant that I'd have days/weeks of feeling either up or down....and then it might slowly change over to the opposite. But did you mean switching back and forth each day??? It's enough to make a person run away from themselves! Lol!
Anyways, my two "angels" are back on duty today. They work the day shift for the next two days, and then they work the night shift for the following two days. If they're not swamped, I'm hoping they'll stop by again like they mentioned. I really want them to walk away with a positive impression of me. All they have seen is "Psycho-Sandra"....and I want them to see me in a stable frame. I want them to understand that what they know of me is really only a recent manifestation.....I wasn't like this for most of my life! Lol. They think I'm a fighter....I want them to feel confident and relieved when they see the spark of fight in me. I don't want them to continue to feel concern for me. I want them to go back to their lives and forget about babysitting me.....that they will be happy that I'm doing better.
Does that make sense? And the same goes for you and LynneDa and Dr. Bob. I've been coming across with this disgusting "victim mentality" that makes my stomache turn. I don't want people's concern. I've relied upon myself for most of my life, and it's rather unbalancing to have people wanting to help me. Why? I'll get there on my own. I always have.
I hope I get to see Andrew and Rob before I go to the hotel. Otherwise, they might go off in their own direction because I've already sent them an email stating that I was doing much better. If we don't connect up this week, I might not see them around again. They've got a job to do, you know? They can't keep taking time out to visit with Psycho-Sandra. That would get pretty boring very quickly. I want them to like me....not to regret their involvement with me. I want them to be happy that they made a difference in my life.
Gosh, I can ramble a lot. *smile* Anyways, don't worry Jlynne. No special dates this month. And I certainly wouldn't want to spend a "special date" in the hospital! Lol! They'd never let me out this time. I'd have to devise a "prison break" with my two angels!! LOL!!!
You're a special person, Jlynne. You had the energy to stick with me this past month or so. I would have thrown up my arms in resignation a long time ago if I had been in your place. You have a tremendous amount of patience and acceptance. As I said before, your clients are blessed to have you on their side. I am sure they are quite aware of that, because how can a heart as large as yours be hidden? Thanks for looking out for me!