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Well, here's the facts

Posted by Dinah on April 19, 2004, at 17:57:51

In reply to Re: I really *am* socially phobic, I think., posted by octopusprime on April 19, 2004, at 10:13:23

And I don't know that they add up to social phobia or something else.

My very early years were spent on an isolated farm without playmates and I grew up to be an introverted dreamer of a child always in my own little world. But not the tiniest bit shy.

Sixth through ninth grades, I was the designated picked on kid and pretty much learned that social contact brought intense pain. That for some reason (oh, I dunno, smart nerdy skinny long dirty hair too long skirts never pressed added to dreamy introvert with an eccentric viewpoint plunked down in a bunch of middle school girls) I was socially unacceptable. Although I did make a friend that I have to this day, though I don't see her much.

Tenth and twelth grades (but not eleventh) my body was taken over by an outgoing socially acceptable (at least marginally) giddy-happy alien who was really delighted with her budding sexuality. I want Happy Dinah back. So does my husband. ;) I haven't actually made an IRL friend since twelth grade. Although one adopted me.

My mother is the pushiest woman imaginable. No idea of personal space. People back away from her. People ask me to tell her to back off, or leave them alone, or to tell her what to quit saying to them. I refuse, of course.

Added together to create me. I feel that there is something slimy and icky about me. Something that it is indescribably rude to foist onto others. And I am so careful not to bother anyone with talk or eye contact or social discourse or common courtesy that I can be enormously rude. And I know it and I can't stop it. Sometimes I'm ok, but sometimes all the will and dissociation in the world can't force me to be social with others.

Is that social phobia or something else? In addition to the introversion, which I have no real problem being.

Oh, and when I wrote that I hadn't contacted my IRL friend in over two years a little bell went off for me. My really best friend IRL (met her in tenth grade), we were each others maids of honor, she worked with me, etc. (although I still wasn't all that social with her or anyone else) died two years ago this month. I wonder if there is some sort of connection there. I usually contact my still living friend at least a couple of times a year...

 

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poster:Dinah thread:337434
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