Posted by deirdrehbrt on March 31, 2004, at 23:44:57
In reply to Re: The letter » deirdrehbrt, posted by fallsfall on March 31, 2004, at 22:21:45
You guys are so wonderfull.
As far as my parents being messed up, they are. They are though, experts in some fields. Denial, unwillingness to understand, religionism, and others. I used to think that it was my job to protect them from me; not that I wanted to hurt them, but that by merely being me, I was hurting them. If I was hurting them, I was bad.I don't want to talk bad about them, but they have been very bad for me. When I was in grade school, I was beat up most every day. In 8th grade, they decided that if I wasn't getting along with my classmates, the best idea was to keep me back. No failing grades, it was just because 'I' couldn't get along. Then there are the (major) injuries no-one knows about, the disinterest in my schoolwork, and all of the other things that I don't want to happen to my kids.
Despite what I wish for, they aren't going to come through for me. Even were they to do so, I think it's too little, too late. I think I was just trying to give them a chance but that the effort has brought to light what has happened in the past. I can't keep trying to change history. They are who they are, and I have learned to be more than what they made me. My kids don't have to suffer the way I did.
Please don't take the above as bitterness, or hatred for my parents. I still love them, I just needed to learn that part of the reason I am so messed up is because of what I experienced as a child. I coluldn't, nor can I depend on them for nurturing. They aren't that kind of people. If I show up, dressed apropriately, and I'm hungry, they will feed me. They don't though, know how to touch me. If I have a splinter that I can't get out, my dad will do that.
On the other hand, when I once tried to start a business, I was told that I shouldn't do that, it was a scary thing that I couldn't do alone. I was discouraged from trying to be a musician. I could learn guitar, but shouldn't try to make a living at music.
I don't know. I guess I'm a bit b**chy. I'm tired. I have stomach cramps. It's late. I'm alive though, and see things clearer, and I have good friends and my daughter took good care of my cat, and I have a wonderfull therapist and my bear and pillows are comfy. I have two marvelous daughters. Do you know what? I may not have everything I had wished for, but I'm happy I've got what I have.
Dee.
poster:deirdrehbrt
thread:331071
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040331/msgs/331130.html