Posted by fallsfall on February 4, 2004, at 13:17:06
In reply to Reality or perception?, posted by Karen_kay on February 4, 2004, at 12:47:20
Well, I can tell you how *I* do it, but I'm 99.9% sure that the way *I* do it is WRONG. So - this is how you shouldn't do it.
I get my evaluations of myself from other people. If lots of people say that I'm helpful to other people, then I figure I'm helpful. If one person says I'm beautiful and nobody else says anything, then I figure that I'm not THAT beautiful (and may be unattractive). Some things have concrete measures - like if you did really well on the SATs then you are probably smart.
Of course, the ultimate authority on my worth is my therapist. If he doesn't tell me about something that I think he has an opinion on (and he usually doesn't tell me...), then I search for clues and guess. I try to validate the guesses by doing more or less of whatever it is and try to see his reaction. Or sometimes by asking him (but you can't ask most other people - except maybe your best friend).
This was a problem when my first therapist got fed up with me - boy did my self esteem plummet!
I did some research at that time about self esteem and I think that this is how it is *supposed* to work. Each person makes their own determination about their worth. Then you listen to what the outside world tells you - and who is telling you what. There are some people who you really trust and really care about. Their opinions are worth more than people you don't like. So you take what you think and "moderate" it by what others think - so if you think that you are shy, and people keep telling you how outgoing you are you might start thinking that you aren't quite so shy afterall. But you don't just switch your view just because other people say something - you just adjust it in that direction. (Otherwise our views would be swinging wildly all the time - hmmm - sort of like mine do...) And you compare yourself to other people - but it is always hard to do that because you know so much more about yourself than you do about them.
So, I think the point is that you have to come to a first, basic understanding of yourself, and then you add in input from outside as a sanity check for your views. At least, I THINK this is how it is supposed to work.
poster:fallsfall
thread:309326
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040131/msgs/309348.html