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Re: SFMom - Happy Birthday to you!!

Posted by LynneDa on January 7, 2004, at 11:30:59

In reply to Re: SFMom - Happy Birthday to you!!, posted by sfmom on January 7, 2004, at 0:30:47

Lyssa,
I'm so sorry to hear you are having a rough time!! It is so hard to keep picking yourself up day after day. There always seems to be a nice up for a week or 2 after a med change, then a down and then a levelling. Maybe that's where you are right now.

I know this is hard on Alex and that is another worry for you. He needs to share with you still. You are probably stronger than you both think in regard to that. It's good for him that he went out.

PLEASE don't worry about the taking/not giving thing; that is really not important here :-). I don't mind the rambling and like to feel as if I can actually help someone after being so low for so long myself!

I wish you could find a med mix that works. Even tho you can't get an appt., will he just talk to you for a minute?

I drink a glass of wine here and there and I know you're not supposed to, but it does help. Why is that? What is it in alcohol that makes me feel better than the meds? Is it just anxiety going away for a bit? If that's it then the anxiety musn't be real and why can't I feel that way all the time? Weird how our brains work!

Anyway, the behavior I can't get rid of is related to my anxiety and obsessive thought patterns that my husband will eventually see that I am not this wonderful person he thinks he married and he will want out. Somehow it comes out as nastiness, jealousy and only seeing the negative in everything he says or does. We've only been together 3 years (2nd marriages for both). The rational side of me knows that it is not true, but the depressed and anxious side of me plays these horrible tapes about how awful I am and how he has all these other options out there.

I've always had a hint of depression in me, but the stress of the last few years plus hormonal changes brought it out stronger I think. I have a normally Pollyanna life-view and that is the only thing that's saved me from having depression show up earlier in my life. I've always been very anxious in general and also very co-dependent with the men in my life. I've always picked men who need "fixing". My husband is the first "normal" and independent man I've been with, thank goodness. I guess I learned something in years of counseling after all! But, I can't get out of the habit of wanting something to be wrong in my life - needing something to fix.

Sorry this is so long, but that is what I'm hoping to work on this year - getting rid of the drama queen in me! That and just the pervasive fog I live in that doesn't allow me to be very productive at work or home. I can't remember anything or stay on track for long. Maybe I'm ADD too!

You've got 2 weeks for your meds to level you out and it can happen!!!! I can't say that I know what it's like to be in such a deep hole, mine's only medium deep! But I do know that I actually feel better at work cuz the routine of the day gets me out of my head a bit! I hope it will be that way for you!!

I wish you the best and please be careful with the drinking, tho I do understand completely!!! Let me know how you're doing!
~ Lynne


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