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a really good community » Miller

Posted by zenhussy on December 14, 2003, at 20:11:11

In reply to Thank you all so much, posted by Miller on December 14, 2003, at 19:31:29

>>>I have been digging myself into a hole for a very long time now. Has anyone else ever made mistake after mistake until finally there was nothing left? That is what I have done. It is to the point now that I fear I am just about where I was this time last year. If history repeats itself, I will have another stay in a local hospital if I survive. But, it is like one side of me is begging to find a solution while the other side is trying everything it knows how to keep me down.

The side that is keeping you down is most likely your depression. I'm sorry I don't know your dx so I can't really comment. That is the type of thinking my brain engages in when the depressive spiral takes over.

While I hope you don't repeat last year I do hope that if necessary you will be safe in the hospital. As for the 'if I survive' part....let's make that to when I survive and am surviving! It isn't an easy season for anyone Miller. I can't offer up much more than these words I'm struggling to type here.

>>>I can't believe I told my shrink that I no long wanted to correspond. Unfortunately, he took me at my word. Now I don't know how to take it back. There is a huge part of me (pride?) that won;t suck it up and just tell him I need him. I can't just tell him that I am a weak, pathetic creature that needs to be helped. So, I have made it so that I am so alone. Not just alone in the sense that I have to struggle, but alone in the way that is total isolation. I don;t think anyone could survive such isolation. Not when things are so bad inside of my soul.

Your soul is good. The distortion of the disease is causing the thoughts of being weak or pathetic or bad. You are none of those things. You are a person who is fighting valiantly against a miserable foe. It is grueling and takes all that one has.

I understand the pride thing as I dig my heels in quite stubbornly at times, cutting off my nose in spite of my face to do so.... Contacting your doctor is not a sign of weakness. If anything it shows that you are aware of your illness and that you need help. A one person unit you are not dear Miller. None of us are. That is why most keep returning to babble.

>>>I am sorry if I am bringing you all down. This is the season, I know, to be thankful for everything we have. And the season to take inventory of our strengths and to surrender ourselves to God for our weaknesses. But I have isolated myself from Him as well.

Hell we're already down so you're not being a wet blanket at all. I DO NOT think this is the season for inventory or introspection. I DO THINK this is the season to be extra gentle to oneself and recognize just how difficult a time all of us are having. You're not alone in your feelings and actions of isolation. And you are not so far removed that any bridges are burned. Many, many choices are available to you and there are people here willing to back you up with support in any of those choices you make.

I can't really get into the religious discussion as it isn't my forte but I can tell you that *the spirt that I understand*(zenhussy's personal idea of a greater being---no insult meant to believers of any other faiths) to be out there is one that ALWAYS has open arms for any of his/her children to return to.

>>>I feel like you all are the only ones left. And since I have been away for so long, I fear I may have burned this bridge as well.

Unless you spammed everyone and hijacked every thread (which you haven't obviously) I don't think there are any burned bridges here.

>>>Thank you all for letting me know that Psycho-everything is still alive and running. It is too bad I didn't follow through with it. I missed out on a really good community.

If you are posting here then you are part of the community. This is a community of people dealing with mental illness and medications. We're a strange bunch with our ups and downs, ins and outs, hither and yons. Nobody is thinking you're any less of a member for time away. You did what you needed to do. Now you're back. People are welcoming you back. Please return any time as you are most loved it appears.

>>> :( Miller

((((((Miller))))))))
Take care,
zenhussy

 

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poster:zenhussy thread:289523
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031207/msgs/289831.html