Posted by JonW on December 14, 2003, at 16:50:20
In reply to Is this what's wrong with me??, posted by st@cy on December 13, 2003, at 13:10:30
> i think i might have APD because my symptoms match that of a person with ADP. You see, since i was fifteen i started having serious problems coping in social situations. I can't focus on conversations bc i'm too busy trying to analyze things in my head and i'm like thinking too much. Then, i feel really dumb bc the person i'm talking to probably thinks i'm really dumb or something, and usually they don't talk to me again, and if they do i have no idea what to say to them so i don't talk. I get so nervous and scared! Another thing that led me to believe that i might have a problem is this: i spend countless hours trying to look perfect because i figure if i can't wow 'em with my personality, i can at least fool them with my looks until they talk to me of course. All the time all i want is to be liked and approved of, but i feel like my personality is deformed somehow. it's like i repell people or something and i know that deep down inside i'm smart and i'm pretty, but i just can't socialize. i avoid going places and doing things bc i won't know how to deal with it. i act all anxious and tense and ppl think it's wierd. another thing that i think might have contributed to the way i am is bc my mom totally rejected me growing up. i was always shy, but when she put me second to her girlfriends or boyfriends and told me all of my feelings were wrong, i think it may have messed me up a little bit. I used to cut myself, i tried to get help and they thought i was depressed, but nothing they did fixed this problem. i never knew how to describe it, i just called it "this thing in my head". i have to deal with it every minute of every day and i long to be socially capable. please tell me what you guys think. am i just crazy or am i experiencing this thing called avoidant personality disorder?
Wow St@cy, I can relate! My parents were never overly critical (I often took it that way, though), but the illness you describe is the life I've been leading. I've only had one girlfriend, and it ended because of my own insecurities. I, too, try to make up for me with my appearance. I spend a lot of time trying to look good, and just as much time trying to look like I didn't try. It's ironic, funny, and sad all at once. I've been working a long time to make the inside match the outside, but often to no avail. I'm terrified of people. I'm stuck inside, alone in the corner of my mind. I always believed the things that make me unique are the things that isolate me, but I'm learning I was wrong. I'm making real progress, but somehow, the fear is stronger than I'll ever be. I hope that isn't true. I'm sorry for this whole message... I'm just kind of depressed right now, so I thought I'd bitch about being me. You see, there's a girl I like. I made plans with her this weekend, which is huge for me, but I cancelled. I'm terrified to call her and ask her to do something again. I feel like she wants nothing to do with me, and wishes I'd just leave her alone. I have no reason to think that, but it's how I feel and it's why I'm alone. I guess I just wanted to complain, and let you know that this shit sucks, but it can be overcome. We'll both beat it someday. Don't give up.... My advice would be to see the best pdoc and CBT therapist you can afford.
Jon :)
poster:JonW
thread:289390
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031207/msgs/289766.html