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out of hope

Posted by lepus on December 12, 2003, at 16:00:36

I don't know what I am living for anymore. I have been fighting this beast (BP II, I think maybe some borderline and dependent personality issues thrown in there as well just to make things more difficult) for more than half of my life. I am only 29. It has robbed me of everything. I was never able to finish a degree, start a career, my relationships always end in a mess. I finally worked at a job for about 9 months and that is the most stable I have ever been. But that is over now and I have to move out of my apartment, get back on SSDI and move in with my parents. It just seems like everything is gone. I can't even get myself to go to the doctor because I don't know what they are going to do to help anymore. I have been on so many medications over the years. I went off everything last fall except Klonopin and seemed to do quite well. Now I know I am cycling again but I don't know what will stop it. I feel so hopeless. It scares me because this is the most hopeless I have ever felt in my entire life. Even my mother has noticed that the light seems to have gone out of my eyes, that the fight seems to be gone and that scares her and it scares me that other people can see it because it is true. I have pretty much given up and resigned myself to a life with no career, no degree, no love and probably no friends pretty soon. I will live with my parents until they die and then I will follow.

I feel so alone in this and that is one of the worst parts besides realizing that all my dreams are gone. I wish someone would hold me for just 5 minutes or a night. I wish someone cared. I don't even feel like my ex cares and we lived together for a year and didn't break up that rudely.

I just don't have any hope and keep praying for some to find me but it hasn't happened. I am so disabled right now and can't even leave the house. I just don't know what I am going to do or how I am going to even get myself into a doctor for some help.

My life as I thought it was going to be is completely over and I feel so horribly alone. I cried, "Uncle!" a long time ago. Why won't someone listen?


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poster:lepus thread:289188
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031207/msgs/289188.html