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support needed/hope/my story

Posted by lepus on November 25, 2003, at 17:56:19

I have been dealing with mood disorders for what seems to be my whole life. I started having anxiety attacks when I was 11. I went into therapy and started taking imiprimine and life was pretty good until age 16. At that time I smoked a joint and it was laced with something I think. I ended up having a bit of a psychotic break (huge panic, thinking my head was a balloon, derealization, etc). Since then it seems all I have been doing is trying to get a life and to get my brain figured out. I went on a lot of meds after the incident with the joint. I have been on TCAs, SSRIs, benzos, mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics, basically everything with little or no relief. They all seem to make me so sleepy and not functional. Since 16 I have been in and out of school and jobs. I have been on disability. I managed to complete an AA, but only in general studies so it is basically like I just finished two more years of high school. I've been to 4 year colleges but the depression or something always creeps up and I never finish. The last time I quit I was 27 and ended up trying to kill myself. I think part of that was due to Effexor and part of it was just losing hope. I wish it had worked.

But on to now, I am 29. I had about a year of stability where I was able to hold a job and was in a relationship. The relationship ended and now it looks like the job will be as well. I moved to my own apartment after living with my gf. I thought I would continue to do okay but I was wrong. I stopped being able to get up for work. When I did get up for work and go I started getting panic attacks about coming home to the apartment alone. Then on the weekends I would be so alone I would start thinking of suicide. I got into therapy but it just didn't help fast enough to get me out this downward slide. I started meditation, again some help but not enough. I am now on a leave of absence from work and on Lamictal. I don't have much leave left from work and honestly don't know how I am going to get back there. I was promoted but haven't been there much since that time to really learn my new job. There are a ton of additional stressors like my father had a heart attack and my brother might be getting divorced. I have lost 20lbs since moving out on my own and the thought of going back to my apartment (I am staying with my parents right now) scares me. Being alone scares me and daily tasks seem to overwhelm me. The depression and panic just crept in while I thought I was doing fine and excited to be out on my own. I don't know where to go from here. Do I move back home and try to restabilize myself again before going back out into the real world or do I try to get back to work and live on my own? I know no one really in the city my apartment is in. Oh God, help I just feel so lost and like my life is doomed to be working at unfulfilling jobs or lost in my mind forever and always living with my parents until they are gone. I don't know what is wrong with me and I don't know how to get better. Some days I feel like I could go back to work but other days I can't get out of bed! What is left for me? Where do I go from here? I am running out of money, time, hope for a better future...everything! I am in debt from my attempts at school and credit cards. Medicines don't help and I can't seem to help myself. I don't know why I had to have a year where I saw the light at the end of the tunnel only to have it go out once I reached it. I just don't see any life left for me. I feel weak that I haven't been able to get back to this job which is the longest one I have ever held at 9 months! So pathetic for my age!

So, do I give up my apartment and job and move back home and get myself into some intensive therapy or do I try to work it out at the job and at the apartment? I just do not know what to do or what I am even capable of anymore. I feel alone and like no one understands what a waste my life has been. All my dreams seem to be gone, school, love life, friends, being independent. I was very intelligent and went to top colleges and it just all seems gone. What do you do when all your dreams are gone and you are stuck with the prospect of working at dead end jobs you don't enjoy? Everything I try I fail at. Yeah, I know that is black and white thinking but it is also true!

Sorry this is so long, I just had to get it out and see if there is anyone with a story like mine who maybe crawled out of this hell and found a life. I wish I could. Any ideas? Yes, I am in therapy and seeing a pdoc.


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poster:lepus thread:283755
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