Posted by Penny on October 23, 2003, at 13:21:57
In reply to Re: so rough on yourself.... » Penny, posted by Dinah on October 23, 2003, at 10:26:01
> I know you wouldn't judge someone else that harshly. It's not something I'd do again, but no harm came from it, you tried to help someone, and your motives were good. It's a darn shame that the world is the way it is. If you want to get mad, get mad at society.
>
> Be as kind to yourself as you would be to others.Thank you, Dinah. I am mad at society, but it's much easier to turn the anger inward than outward for me. You know, I even took self defense in college and I've always been wary of strangers who need help, but at the same time, even though the thought crossed my mind (what am I doing?), the larger part of me just bought into what he was saying. And I don't know why.
You're right, I wouldn't be so hard on someone else about the same thing, but I'm me, not someone else, and I feel like I should know better by now. And it's funny that I misunderstood Nansun's post above regarding 'angels' b/c when I read 'angle' I thought it meant a way of putting myself in a bad position on purpose, though perhaps subconsciously. And maybe that is the case. Maybe I'm inviting something bad to happen to me.
When I was about 7 or 8, my older cousin and I were walking from Kmart to my grandparents' car - my grandparents were still in the store - and this man, who *appeared* deaf and mute and was in a wheelchair, stopped us and handed us American flag stickers. We both took them, then he held up a sign that said something about 'wounded veteran, $1 donations please' and I immediately went for my little purse to get a dollar bill to pay him. I felt obligated. My cousin, on the other hand, handed him the sticker back. Then, when we got to the car, she said, "I think you were just taken advantage of - I don't think he was deaf and mute, I think he just wanted handouts." I felt so ridiculously stupid at that point. For the longest time I couldn't throw the sticker away but I couldn't look at it either. And, yes, nearly 20 years later, that STILL sticks in my mind. Why was I so dumb? I was only 7 or 8 at the time, but why was I so stupid? I SHOULD have known better.
I have other stories like that one, and they stick in my head and are replayed over and over, along with episodes of my dad's anger outbursts and verbal abuse. It just feeds into my core belief about myself, I suppose, which is that I must be the dumbest human being on the planet and I really don't even deserve to live. My T would say that's a major example of skewed, irrational thinking, but even though I can *sort of* see that, and even though I could definitely see it if it were someone else, I still really believe it.
I can't believe how much I hate myself. It's a shame, I know, but I really really do. I hate my looks, I hate myself for not being happy with my career, I hate myself for being lazy and not being ambitious. I even hate myself for sitting here right now, at a little after 2 p.m. on a Thursday, and posting on PSB about all of this, b/c I SHOULD be getting some major work done. Instead, I'm wasting time.
On another note, I told my T in our last session that I'd been feeling pretty down about my grandfather and the events surrounding his suicide (the 2 year anniversary is in early Nov), and I told her that one of the things I find myself angry about is his imposing the reality of suicide on me and my family, and, by doing so, 'taking away', so to speak, my choice about that. What I mean is that now that I've experienced suicide first hand as a survivor of a family member who killed himself, I can no longer ponder suicide with the same, "Well, they would be better off without me," attitude. So, effectively, even though I still think about it, sometimes a lot, and even though it remains an option for me in my mind, I know what it does to a family, and that just adds guilt, which makes me have second thoughts.
Anyway, I apologize for rambling on and on, and if you made it this far, I'm really sorry!
P
poster:Penny
thread:271810
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031020/msgs/272330.html