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Re: I love this thread :)

Posted by cybercafe on October 19, 2003, at 19:16:15

In reply to Re: I love this thread :) » cybercafe, posted by Susan J on October 19, 2003, at 13:30:32

> <<I really don't know. I'm 36 and came of age in the 80s with AIDS. So I'm a bit cautious about getting intimate too fast. What age group are you in? I know folks in their 20s are more casual about the hookups than I am. And people in their 40s and 50s, baby boomers, same thing with them. The free love 60s and all that. So I kind of feel like the abberation...


yeah i'm in my late 20s


> The best, most respectful relationships for *me* started as a date where we could talk forever and there was definitely sexual chemistry. Like I *wanted* to go home with the guy that night, but we waited.....and the waiting is cool! I think it's definitely worth *not* giving in to instant gratification. Sexual tension builds up, you get to do the kissing thing for a few dates, you get to know the person better.


yeah i have heard that a lot and it definately works.. i mean it's totally cool if you come off confident and complete rather than needy and desperate

let me know if i'm getting too personal but i would love to know what a guy can do to keep the sexual chemistry there ..... i'm wondering about innuendo/teasing, casual touching ... not just what i should be aiming at to be the next cassanova, but at least the basics that is expected


> And I guess for me, the level of verbal intimacy/raciness/whatever, directly corresponds to the level of physical intimacy that's going on. If either gets too far ahead of the other, it's stressful for me.

... yeah....... that makes total sense ....
what signals should a guy be looking for ?


> But this all brings up another question I'm wondering about.....you said your tastes depended on what mood/meds you had/were on? How do *I* or when do I bring up to a guy that I've been dealing with major depression for the past 2 years, and probably will have to deal with it in some form for the rest of my life? Talk about mood killer..... :-)

SHORT ANSWER: it all depends on the context ... if you are talking positive and confident and display that you can handle life and have all these desirable qualities being a little emotional is only a small part of the whole package you are selling then you are still a very desirable person!

if you are being really negative (and i'm assuming you're feeling pretty good if you can handle dating etc) and really dwell on the depression and act like it is all that you are you are in trouble! then a guy will probably be thinking less long term..... so don't do it :)

i would also look for a natural way to bring it into the conversation if at all ... "oh yeah i'm like that" (no big deal perspective... telling the guy you have many attractive qualities, who cares about this depression thing? look at this girl, she is laughing, she is smiling obviously it's not something he needs to think about) rather than bringing it up out of the blue "wait a minute... i HAVE to tell you something.... and i hope you don't have a problem with this" (big deal perspective... actually convincing the guy that there is something to worry about)


MAJOR LONG ANSWER:
iv'e had this discussion before and i knwo that the best thing is when you are handling depression well... like it's not a factor in your life ... that you mention it in a positive fashion (yes you can do that!) or at least like it's no big deal ...

like if you are well and you are coming off confident, happy, positive the other person probably won't believe you suffer from depression anyways..... but if you do bring it up, i would be like "yeah i used to suffer from depression so i understand people a lot better but it's been so long ago and i am so busy with <insert tons of accomplishments here> that it seems like a lifetime ago" .... change subject ......
it's no big deal.... people will accept the reality you present them ... because YOU know about this stuff and they don't ....

on the other hand if you make a really big deal out of it ... and are really negative.... and talk like there is no hope or you're not worth getting to know then i think you're in a much much worse situation (the guy LIKES you but you are trying to push him away)

having said that, i talk to a LOT of guys about relationships and women, and they kind of expect this stuff (women to be emotional) so it's not that big a deal.... hey i think for most people they struggle so hard to find someone that they are willing to put up with almost anything rather than have to go out there and go through the whole process again

then there's the really really popular guys who meet tons of women and they also seem way more interested in appearance (smile!)...

ug ...
well i don't know what my diagnose is .... bipolar + anxiety + ADD .... maybe a sleeping disorder?
so i feel comfortable not mentioning stuff because the truth is the doctors don't know! ...

but last week i was out with a girl and i was like <positive statement> <arrogant statement> <hopeful statement> "oh yeah it's really interesting because i'm supposedly a genius but i also suffer from a learning disorder" <positive statement about life and future> and she didn't seem affected at all... (remember this stuff is a bigger deal to YOU because YOU are suffering from it ... )
but i was smiling and joking the whole time even when briefly touching on my disorder so it was only natural that she saw my smiling face and laughter and confidence and relaxedness and responded by being happy and relaxed!

(then nothing happened because cybercafe didn't know how to advance the chemistry :( )



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