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Mini-rant, rambling thoughts

Posted by Zarah78 on October 16, 2003, at 11:41:12

Hello again all.

I think I'll go on a mini-posting spree here for a minute. Things are kinda quiet (read: slow) here at work for me right now and certain morons aren't bothering me so.. Why not?

I was talking to my mom last night about the prospect of researching medications for my depression/possible BP. She, of course, flipped out on me with her usual rant about how no one on her side of the family has suffered from mental illness or ever had to take medications like that (what bouat her older bro who had some kind of dishonroable discharge from someplace college/military after he moved out?). She went on and on about how she gets depressed too and she knows hers is hormonal from "the change" and she has reasons to be depressed because this and that.. I stopped her there and told her I really *don't* have reasons for my depression and no apparent triggers and then I get the ups that are a little out of control beforehand. Mom talked about how she just lets it be out of control and b***hes at the people that irritate her. I told her that's not even close to the same, tried to explain that I can't stand losing control, but she doesn't understand.

I'm starting to reach the same kind of "lows" I did as a teen when I had thoughts of suicide so prevalent in my mind. It's been about 9-10 yrs since then and it scares me. I get depressed, my own thoughts start to scare me, then I get mild anxiety attacks from that.. No uncertain terms: it sucks. I'm waiting for the up part of this to come and I'm gonna try to mark on a calendar my ups and my downs so maybe I can brace myself a little or something if I notice a pattern. I dunno, gang. I'm a little scared to go on the meds because of all the wonderfully horrid side effects they can (and usualy do) have to accompany them. It's almost like a 'rob Peter to pay Paul' scenario if you think about it too long.

My mother just doesn't understand, though. My paternal grandmother committed suicide when I was 10 - mom writes it off rather cynically as being because my granddad was an alcoholic and grams thought her life was over because she was going through her change.. But.. That's not really it. As I've stated before, people that don't wrestle with those thoughts and that kind of internal anguish just cannot understand. My mom never got along with my grandma anyway.

*sigh* well, there's my mini-rant. Suggestions? Comments? Whatnots? Feel free.

Thanks for reading. Back to work for me. :P
-Z


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poster:Zarah78 thread:270012
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031011/msgs/270012.html