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Re: Screaming again... fallsfall

Posted by Penny on August 27, 2003, at 12:59:06

In reply to Re: Screaming again... Penny, posted by fallsfall on August 27, 2003, at 10:54:46

Thanks.

I just feel really taken advantage of and hurt and resentful of the fact that I've put myself in a position to be dependent upon financially (for her part of the rent). If I knew this was going to work out, if I knew she wasn't going to up and leave me hanging, maybe I wouldn't be so stressed about the whole thing. But I don't know that. Her moods and thoughts and feelings about things and her plans change constantly. As my therapist brought up, everytime we have a disagreement, she comes to me with this "I may be moving sooner rather than later" s**t. As though she's threatening me.

I think she does love and care about me, in her own way, but she truly has a history of unhealthy relationships, not just with me but with others too. None of her romantic relationships ever ended peacefully - she holds anger and resentment toward every one of her ex-lovers. ALL of them. Ditto for her friends - she doesn't have a bunch of friends who have hung around her for any length of time. Not to say that it's all her fault - I've seen what some of her friends have done to her - but she keeps allowing herself to be taken advantage of. She lets people walk all over her.

And - I do the same thing. Except that in my case, the one doing the walking is her. And I have to put a stop to it.

I would love to remain friends with her for the long haul. But not the way things are going right now. I need adult friendships. Not to say that things will always be peachy, but just that I won't be in a position to be strongly influenced by her every mood and change of plans. It's not healthy for me at all. As I told Kar, I need to be able to go home at night and feel safe - not having to worry about her being angry with me and dredging up something that should be in the past because she hasn't forgotten about it.

Seriously - when she talks to me, it's as though she's talking to a child. She'll sit on the edge of my bed and use this calm tone of voice and rub my back as I sit and cry because I can't help but think about all the bad things I've done to people and I can't help but think I'd be better off dead and I can't help but think about how I can't take care of myself the way I wish I could.

So - I have to find a way to take care of myself. Emotionally and financially. Because I clearly can't be dependant upon people for anything. I can only depend upon myself - and I have to figure out a way to do that.

In the meantime, I don't know how to approach this - her questions she later sent me about "Why do you want to move in December anyway? Be honest." If I'm really honest with her, she'll be angry. That's how she is. Even if I try to be tactful, she'll be angry. And she will make it clear that I've hurt her. And she will twist my words. I will not be able to be clear enough. Anything I say can be turned against me.

I'm trying very hard right now to put myself in her shoes - to think before acting and before speaking, to not speak to her out of anger, and to be strong for myself.

Yet, I feel so weak. And so afraid. And, I hate to say it, not afraid of losing her friendship, but afraid of being unable to pay that friggin' $1000 a month rent on my own.

I really need a way out of this now...

P


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