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Re: What do (healthy) men look for in a woman?

Posted by Eddie Sylvano on August 21, 2003, at 16:46:39

In reply to Re: What do (healthy) men look for in a woman? Eddie Sylvano, posted by Susan J on August 21, 2003, at 15:59:54

> 5. Someone who *gets* me, and whom I *get*. That's the hard part....

I understand. It's hard to find someone with the same set of priorities and general sense of humor as yourself. Someone who can agree when you say "All I really want out of life is [..fill in the blank..]"

> <<I agree in theory, but maybe you could give me an example?

My former marriage is a good starting point. At the inception of our relationship, she had already written a formal list of things she wanted in a man ("wears glasses, reads a lot, skinny..." Something like 25 qualites. how come lists always end in numbers divisble by 5?). Anyway, fast forward a few years, and she realizes that she exactly *doesn't* want these qualities. She then writes a new list to illustrate why she doesn't want me anymore ("can disco dance, has soul, it goes on..."), and proceeds to marry a guy who has absolutely none of those qualities either (which I know because he was my best friend). The point is that she believed that she really did want those qualities, but acted in opposition.
When people say things about themelves, they're subconciously making those statements acceptable to their social group, since that's the audience. Somewhere along the process, they come to believe what they say. Maybe as they're doing it. The problem is that it's not wholly accurate, and it leads them in the wrong directions.

> And no other health issues. BP is great, I have the lowest triglyceride count my doc's ever seen.

If you're not grotesquely fat or unhealthy, you're just on a continuum of normal like the rest of us.
My first real girlfriend came to become somewhat heavy after several years of dating. I used to think that if I dated someone more beautiful that I'd be happier, but having later dated someone very beautiful, I found that I came to appreciate her appearance just the same as the previous, less remarkable girls.

> <<OK, so, do guys like aggressive women?

The problem with listening to me is that I seem to be an aberration as far as tastes go. Guys like Pamela Anderson and i like Lili Tyler. Guys prefer blondes and I like brunettes.
From what I've gathered, men don't mind women who are forward *if* they already have some attraction to the girl. If they're on the fence, they may see an aggresive woman as being needy or desperate. What's called for is a little bit of due diligence about the guy. In this way, you "play it cool" around them as suss them out a bit, ramping up your level of aggresiveness in proportion to their response. If in doubt, take your time (unless there isn't any).
It's silly that this process should be so hard. After I divorced, I dated a lot of girls who seemed put off by my interest in them, however mild. Accordingly, I came to be more aloof, not calling for several days, etc. When I met my current fiancee, I employed these learned rules, only to find that she actually wanted me to call frequently and express interest, at which point I just reverted to being me (and things worked out well). This leads me to believe that if wrangling someone in turns out to be a difficult social strategy, they're probably not for you.




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