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Posted by kara lynne on August 18, 2003, at 14:51:58

In reply to re: Hi ((((((( kara kara))))))) !!!, posted by lil' jimi on August 18, 2003, at 2:13:10

Thanks as usual for your thoughtful message. I too have gone hungry from indecision so there you go.

I think the OCD flare-up was both the Lex and hormonal. I'll spare you the details of the latter, but let's just say it should tone down a bit soon if I'm right. Yesterday was hell, it really was. I did end up taking a long walk--the only exercise I've been able to do in too long--and that helped. But I was obsessing about everything at a fevered pitch even while I was walking. Screaming "STOP!" doesn't help, so I was desperately trying your visualization and another meditation to break the pattern. I also didn't take any Lexapro last night just in case because I felt so bad.

I was using your visualization because the ex sent me part of a mass email again--his sensitivity knows no bounds. He said he's trying to make the environment in his new house more 'righteous' and therefore he was giving away some furniture (including something of mine--which I don't want, but still...) to anyone who wanted it. Then he sent me a private email just meowing-- which was the highest form of our communication (although I do have to say the man could hit incredibly correct feline inflections).

Anyway, off I went. God, how could he do that....if he had only ever wanted to make our relationship more 'righteous'...why didn't he want to make our environment more 'righteous'....I'm sure he has everyone around him believing he is 'righteous'...why is he giving away his television, has he ascended this plane now? (you know he criticized me for watching television...) Who is moving in with him that he wants to do this could he have gotten over me so quickly...torture, torture, torture, all night long. And then that stupid meow. After all this time, *that's* all he can offer me? He can't even say something real..EVER?! Well of course not, not if he's with someone else and giving away all his extraneous possessions...

But he never said anything real to me when we were together, that was why I left. Well that and the saying real mean things. But maybe that was the best I could do and now I'll be lonely for the rest of my life...

So you see, that's why I was trying to cut those ties and I still am. My ex has it set up so he never has to be alone. I am alone way too much. Being with him I did get out more, and now I'm in the position of feeling so bad which prevents me from going out, which perpetuates the problem, which yesac and I have spoken about. It really had me tricked into believing I should have stayed with him last night, even though I would have had to relinquish all self respect.

I hope you don't mind this long winded response. Please don't feel that you have to respond to it; I just needed to write it.

Thanks lil jimi.

I love your colonel dad.




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