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Re: Since I'm new, some more info on me...

Posted by daizy on August 5, 2003, at 12:15:47

In reply to Since I'm new, some more info on me..., posted by Ame Sans Vie on August 4, 2003, at 8:16:08

Hey! You sound like an interesting person!!! Nice to see you on PSB!

> Just in case anyone's interested, I thought I'd post a bit of a bio and some info about myself. I'd really like to become as much a part of PSB as I am on PB. Before my social phobia was treated, I was just plain too nervous to post on a board strictly for socialization. Thank the gods I don't have to worry about that anymore. :-)
>
> I've never known my father. My mother has panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. One of her younger sisters is depressed and a former cocaine addict, and the other has obsessive-compulsive disorder. Her older sister, anorexic. Their mother suffers from debilitating panic disorder. Thus it came as no surprise to anyone when I was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder at the age of five, following referral to a psychiatrist by the school counselor.
>
> I did extremely well in school, due only to my above-average intelligence... I was always at the top of my class, straight A's, and a GPA that hovered around 4.3. But when the bell would ring to signal the end of the school day, in retrospect I can just picture my mother waiting at home for my arrival, bottle of Xanax in hand... her one escape from the horror that would inevitably ensue throughout the remainder of the day -- temper tantrums during which I would destroy half the things we owned, running in a dizzying fashion from one thing to the next, leaving a trail of destruction in my path, and even going so far as to threaten to murder my own mother on several occasions.
>
> I suppose it would be helpful to mention here that, upon my being diagnosed with ADHD, the doctor scribbled out a prescription for Ritalin, which my mother graciously declined to accept. She refused to have her six-year-old on drugs, and to this day I support her decision.
>
> Sometime between the ages of ten and thirteen, my ADHD underwent a gradual metamorphosis to ADD without hyperactivity. At precisely the same time, however, I was beginning to develop a problem which I would trade for ADHD any day.
>
> At first, it was simply, "Oh, he's just a little shy." Which was precisely right... my shyness had yet to grow beyond a subclinical level. But at the age of thirteen, I requested help, as I was continually going to any means necessary (including breaking my own finger one morning) just to get out of having to go to school. I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and placed on Zoloft. After a month or so, a drastic change had taken place -- I no longer cared much what people thought of me, I had stopped having the panic attacks which had just recently started occurring, and I was easily able to attend school fairly easily.
>
> It was not long thereafter that I realized, "Hey... I feel like a zombie on this crap." My emotions were dulled, my body was numb... I didn't remember laughing so much as once since the medication took effect. I contacted my doctor and immediately began the tapering process.
>
> This began years of medication trials and therapy. All forms of therapy I tried were ultimately complete failures and wastes of money. As for all the medications, they fell into one of three classes: (A) side-effects intolerable [e.g. Zoloft, all other SSRIs, Wellbutrin, tricyclic antidepressants], (B) I abused them as tolerance developed to them [e.g. most benzodiazepines, barbiturates], and (C) they just plain didn't work [e.g. Effexor, Remeron, Serzone, MAOIs, antipsychotics, and mood-stabilizers]. With each disappointment, I found myself becoming increasingly introverted and depressed.
>
> Meanwhile, during my years playing in local rock bands (ages 14-16), I used illegal drugs (illicit and prescription) day in and day out. After all, our band had a record contract with Elektra, our album nearly complete, and promotional tours being planned in Japan and Europe-- wasn't this how "rock stars" acted anyway? So for over two years my life became blurred by the "let's-see-how-wasted-we-can-get-today,-man" game. Absinthe, vodka, beer, pot, narcotic painkillers, muscle relaxers, and tranquilizers were an everyday guarantee; LSD, ecstasy, mushrooms, PCP, ketamine, dextromethorphan, and cocaine were a more-than-occasional add-on to the already potent cocktail of psychotropics we were poisoning ourselves with everyday. But, hey, I wasn't anxious all the time, so why stop?
>
> November 11, 1999: Woke up in a hospital bed, unsure why I was there. Shortly thereafter, two police officers entered the room and removed me from my restraints (restraints.......?) and struggled with me to get me to the cruiser. I was brought first to a local mental health facility for analysis, where I was informed that I had taken a huge overdose of phenobarbital, Soma, and Xanax. I remembered none of this. Immediately following this was my first sojourn on the in-patient unit of a psychiatric hospital. I'm sure I don't need to describe how horrible it was.
>
> Eleven days later, it was decided I was no longer a "danger to myself", and I was sent home with a month's supply each of Risperdal, Trileptal, and Remeron -- which, of course, didn't work.
>
> Since then, I have ceased use of all drugs (including caffeine, and just two weeks ago, cigarettes). Well, okay, I smoke a little pot occasionally... and I drink some absinthe on the weekends, but can you blame me? lol
>
> Because of all this, I lost every friend I've ever had. Until quite recently, I was completely housebound, with no human contact other than my mother, sister, my psychiatrist, and his receptionist (which was only occasional, as many of my appointments had to be conducted via telephone). I found that in order to be properly treated, I had to do my own research. It didn't take me long to come up with a self-diagnosis of avoidant personality disorder with comorbid panic disorder, as well as some thoroughly researched medications that have proven to be often very helpful to those with AvPD. This time around, within just a year of medication trials which were suggested by *me*, I feel, at long last, like how I've always imagined "normal" may feel. And it's wonderful.
>
> So now my diagnoses are depression, avoidant personality disorder, social phobia, panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and attention deficit disorder. My current all-inclusive treatment is comprised of a restricted carbohydrate diet (to lose this weight psych meds have put on me over the years), regular jogging and weight-training, a myriad of nutritional/herbal/homeopathic supplements, 100mg Ultram four times daily, 6mg Xanax XR each morning, and 10mg Desoxyn only occasionally.
>
> Avoidancy is part of my personality, and nothing -- no drug, no therapy -- can ever transform me into an extroverted "social-butterfly", and the same principle holds true for any personality disorder. So I'll always be "a little shy". So what? :-)
>
> So anyway, here I am, 20 years old... seven and a half years of failed medications... but now finally "cured". And not just in the sense that my disorders are treated more than adequately, but that I've a newfound lust for life and cherish every moment of every day.
>
> I am a musician, as I already mentioned... I find nothing more cathartic than writing a meaningful song on my acoustic guitar while sitting on my favorite tree stump in the middle of the woods. I also love to play bass and drums, and I sing as well.
>
> I have a strong passion for linguistics. I *love* studying foreign languages -- even the rather oddball ones. I mean, I took out books on Punjabi, Romanian, and Hungarian during my last visit to the library. Heck, I even own the "Klingon Dictionary", lol (I'm definitely not a Trekkie though... just trust me on this, lol). But my biggest linguistic passion is French. Such a beautiful language, and I am getting closer and closer to fluency everyday now that I'm once again inspired to learn.
>
> Of course, my presence all over PB probably shows my love for the study of psychopharmacology. It's such a fascinating field. I especially find the non-prescription approach to mental illness to be interesting -- homeopathy, acupressure, acupuncture, reiki, healing with crystals, herbalism, vitamins, minerals, amino acids, super foods, etc. ad nauseam.
>
> I hope not to offend anyone here when I say this, but because it is a *very* big part of who I am, I feel it necessary to divulge to you all that I am pagan. I could write a book on that subject though, so if you're interested in what I mean by that, just ask. :-)
>
> Well, that's enough about me... I'm sure you're sick of me by now, lol. But thank you very much if you read this post. I just wanted very much for you all to get to know me, as I hope to get to know you. Bright blessings to all! :-)
>
>
>


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poster:daizy thread:247974
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030727/msgs/248257.html