Posted by Dinah on July 25, 2003, at 1:25:09
In reply to the only reason i won't do it tonight (graphic), posted by Sabina on July 25, 2003, at 0:18:53
No meanness, Sabina. I'm sorry you're feeling that bad. And I'm glad of any reason that gives you more time to think about such a final decision. I hope that by autumn you'll have found reason to change your plans.
You know, it speaks very well of you that you are concerned about the reaction of those who find you. And you've shown kindness here on the board, too. I think the world would have that much less kindness around if you were to decide to leave it, and it needs all the kindness it can get.
But I'll share my own morbid story with you. I opened my last session with my total outrage at some news I recently heard. I have my own plan, one that I thought would leave no margin for error. I have no immediate intention of using it. It's sort of like a dream of fleeing to Tahiti. It's to use in a worst case scenario, when things are more than I can bear. Well, I was totally distressed to hear that someone had used the same plan I had - and lived! With only major painful injuries, probably an expensive hospital stay to cure those injuries, and probably very hurt relatives and aquaintances. All of which make my worst case scenario look even worse. The poor man. I felt so sorry for him. But also so upset that my plan was not foolproof.
My therapist laughed, and told me very gently that I always needed everything to be 100% sure. I couldn't tolerate any chance that things might not be counted on. He correctly picked up that I was hurt, and incorrectly thought it was because he was laughing about my plans going awry. It was really because he was right. I don't feel safe unless everything is 100% sure, which means I never feel safe.
I think these thoughts hurt a lot less when they're out in the open, Sabina. I hope you can talk about them with your therapist and pdoc and work hard at finding ways to make things better. My belief is that they really can be better. Maybe not Ozzie and Harriet, Brady Bunch better, but better than they are now.
poster:Dinah
thread:245073
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030719/msgs/245082.html