Posted by Temmie on July 18, 2003, at 16:17:54
In reply to Re: Lonely and Confused » Temmie, posted by fallsfall on July 18, 2003, at 14:51:02
Thank you Fallsfall ~
What a beautiful letter. It is so helpful to hear from you during such a despairing time. I know full-well what you're talking about (and take no offense) in the suggestion that abused individuals tend to repeat their abuse in relationships with others. How horrible, and what an unexpected turn of events, considering what I knew/remembered about Paul, and how he seemed (before I learned more of the story). Good also to raise the concern of there being not one, but two incidents. It will be interesting to find -- at the end of this month -- what the judges decide in both cases. Innocent or not, Paul was certainly involved in relationships which turned volatile. I have simply got to face that fact and grow up here (despite feeling so hopelessly ensnared with this man.) After so many years of being alone -- I wonder what I did -- it wasn't even conscious -- to set things in motion for hooking up with one even more troubled than myself.
I called one of the local modeling agencies to look into getting some assignments and perhaps bringing in a few hundred here and there, but I'm no longer 112 pounds and don't know whether: (a) they would have me, or (b) I could put up with the B.S. involved in playing that role. It was never anything serious for me, anyhow, just a way of making money at the time -- and Lord, I could use some now! I also called the local Barnes and Nobles, but the woman I know in management there wasn't working. It seems a bit crazy, working two jobs (especially one that surely won't pay much) AND doing grad school, but I think expanding my social/work schedule might open more avenues for me ... somewhere. On making money, in general -- thank you for suggesting that I keep my eyes open. Surely something will come up -- and if I can just keep my head up, look where I'm going, and try to manifest a little more positivity -- I'll be there to see it and read it when it happens.
Re. your Dad, my goodness! I DID know that meat, potatoes and vegetables had to be arranged in a certain order! Good question! :-) Your dad sounds so like mine, it isn't funny. (And sadly, I have no solutions for either of us.) My dad also talked his MDs out of both prescriptions and therapy. He knows more than the doctors do, anyhow, so what would be the point? He has also, like your dad, I'm sure, and as I've written elsewhere -- micromanaged everything: where and how to put the step stool, the phone book, pots and pans (and in which order they should be hung), dish towels, dish rags, salt and pepper shakers, etc. etc. etc. Speaking of meat and potatoes, I've also been admonished for the way I cut my steak -- and now -- he wants to paint the mailbox in red and white stripes. Can you imagine? I wonder what for .... We have a carpenter helping us out with odd jobs around the house (finally!), and I learned today that last week my dad backed into his truck not once, but twice. Given his recent collision with the rear of my car, that makes three questionable incidents .... We are so annoyed, despite calls to his MD by two of us siblings, that his license hasn't been taken away .... He also ran over my son -- but that was a long time ago, and I guess I'm repeating myself here ....
Anyhow ... I guess that's all for now. I so appreciate being able to pour out my heart here, and finding such encouraging replies. So much of what I've written spells the way for clear and easy solutions, I know, but clear and easy solutions seem so out-of-reach at this point -- I feel so unable to think and function. Thank you again for your support. If you don't mind, and at the risk of detailing even stupider mistakes re. my ongoing saga with Paul, I'll keep you posted on how things are going.