Posted by whiterabbit on July 12, 2003, at 20:04:29
In reply to Re: to suicide survivors... » yesac, posted by NikkiT2 on July 12, 2003, at 18:23:11
Now I'm glad that I lived, although I wasn't real happy about it at first...I thought what I guess a lot of people think after surviving a suicide attempt: Man, I don't do ANYTHING right!
For awhile I felt very sad and horribly guilty for putting my son through such a terrible ordeal.
He was nervous about leaving me alone & watched me pretty closely for awhile - I thought my God, what sort of creature AM I for not thinking about how this would have affected him for the rest of his life?? Since the day he was born, my world revolved around this wonderful gift from God, and then I go and do something like that to him...I did apologize and promised him I would NEVER attempt anything like that again. He could tell that I meant it & he visibly relaxed - even if I hadn't been sure when I said it, the relief on his face was so sincere...I could never go back on my word. He deserves so much more.
Still, when my husband announced that he was ending our 20-year relationship, the fact that I DID survive seemed like a cruel joke. I mean, I woke up alive so I could watch my husband run off with his girlfriend? What's up with THAT?
It just seemed so pointless, the fact that I was still drawing air...I believed that my survival had been random, a flip of the coin, totally without meaning.Today I feel differently. I'm sure that I lived for some reason - just because you don't know the reason doesn't mean there isn't one...you can't see Neptune but it's certainly there. We can't all be Joan of Arc...somebody I believe on this board right here, somebody compared this life to the back of a tapestry; all we see are jumbled colors, loose threads and knots with no pattern.
We aren't allowed to see the tapestry itself until our work here is done.I just loved that comparison & I know in my heart that it's true. I don't know HOW I know but I do.
I know now that suicide is wrong, that it solves nothing for the soul in pain and leaves a dreadful legacy for the people who love us...hard to explain the reasons for it being so wrong but it is. Like interrupting rudely when someone is speaking to us kindly, or yanking tomatoes off the vine while they're still hard and little and green, or drowning kittens in a sack. You know it's not right.These days with all the reality shows on TV, you can see just about anything...this show came on, a typical day for the people who work in an LA city morgue. They said that overall, suicide was much more common than homicide and far more prevalent in the upper economical classes than for people subsiding around the poverty level. Now what does that tell you?
I don't know, I just saw the show like an hour ago. But my first impression would be that our definition of success, our standards for the good life & our desire to be one of the beautiful people with lots of money and toys - these goals must be pretty hollow whether we attain them or not.
Well I haven't got it all figured out, for sure.
Some people get close to figuring it out and many of us never get too far past the starting gate. But at least I do have a better idea these days of what's NOT so important. It's hard not to want certain things; the beautiful house, the expensive convertible, the stake on the giant hill full of fire-ants where you can tie up your husband and leave him naked in the scorching sun with his head stuck in a pot of honey like Winnie the Pooh. Sure you want all those things, but are they REALLY so important? Prehaps not.Ya'll hang in there.
Love, Gracie
poster:whiterabbit
thread:241225
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030704/msgs/241304.html