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Re: yet another bad day it seems

Posted by PollyF on July 11, 2003, at 13:46:10

In reply to yet another bad day it seems, posted by yesac on July 11, 2003, at 10:39:52

> Well, I saw my doc first thing today, and we ended up doing pretty much what I knew we'd do, which is go back up on lamictal and go up on parnate. But I just feel bad because I didn't mention my suicidal thoughts as of late, and how when I was at home last week I kept having this thought that this could be the last time I see any of these people and the state and my kitty and all of it, and no one knows but me. I didn't mention that. I don't know why. Or even if it matters, but it seems like I should have said something. And now he's leaving for a week apparantly, so I feel like it will be bad for me to know he's not reachable. Of course, there's always my therapist. I feel hesitant to call her because... I don't really know, I just do. For one thing, she has never said to call her if I need to, which I know they don't have to say but it makes me feel less guilty and pathetic about it. I just wish that I could feel more sure about her. I hate this feeling of unsureness. I think it's holding me back, and it just makes me feel more depressed.
>
> So anyways, I started off the day on a bad note. Then I called my DBT group facilitator to discuss how I don't feel "into" it and she wasn't too helpful, just said I should talk to my therapist, said it is probably the depression, stuff like that.
>
> I feel alone, like no one is really there for me, no one can help me. It is so ridiculous to have all these mental health professionals in my life but it isn't enough. And all the medication trials and adjustments and everything. I'm so sick of it all.
>
> I feel like this weekend could be really bad and I'll feel very alone and possibly desperate. I feel somewhat disconnected from my family and best friend, and my roomate situation is hellish although at least one of them is leaving today for a week. My doc will be away. I don't feel like I can call my therapist, although I suppose maybe I would if it really came down to that. Or I could do some wacked thing like hunt down my old therapist and call her, but that's so unethical in their minds, and I feel like she'd just say call a crisis number, which would make me feel worse.
>
> It's all so f'ked up. I think I might possibly be making myself feel worse by rambling on like this though.
>
> I also feel bad because on the board it seems like I just take take take - post about my own sorrows but don't respond much to other people. Sometimes, I am interested but just don't have a worthy response. Other times I can't get myself to read some of the posts because I think that they will depress me or they are too long or I just don't get the chance. How hypocritical. But I feel bad about that. It's not that I don't care.

I know I am a newbie, but I have been in your situation, contemplating the easy way out, if you feel bad you can email me direct and i can talk with you....if you have msn messenger, I can chat with you on that, my msn name is crfitz2001@hotmail.com, don't feel bad about appearing not to respond to other people's posts, that is just part of the depression, SO DON"T GO KICKING YOURSELF!!!!

Let me know....

Christine ( Polly)


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poster:PollyF thread:240420
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030704/msgs/240924.html