Posted by kalyb on July 10, 2003, at 12:06:27
In reply to Re: Landlady - again :(, posted by fallsfall on July 9, 2003, at 19:52:34
Okay so now I have more information.
I approached her about the trip today hoping I could achieve a compromise.
She starts getting irritated and said: “Think! Why do you think I need you here before I go? Go, on, think about it.”
Ummm...? “Sorry, don’t know, I must be missing something here.”
“Missing??!! You’re missing a HUGE amount, as usual!”
(Aha! I have this sussed now. She's done this before and I personally think it's a manipulative strategy. By saying "Think! Why do you think...etc" and putting the onus onto the other person (when it is really HER who has something to say). This way, she can be right and the other person wrong. It gives her permission to contradict and assume intellectual superiority, since of course nobody can know exactly what she's about to say or what’s going on inside her head.).It boils down to this:
* She doesn’t think I am capable of looking after the house and the hundreds of animals, so she NEEDS me to be here when she leaves for her own peace of mind.* I have only known this guy for a few days, and she feels hurt I’m putting him above her.
* If he’s a guy worth having, he won’t make a fuss and we’ll be able to go some other time.
* If it becomes a proper relationship, there’ll be plenty of time to go camping in the future.
* She needs me there because she doesn’t trust me to be back when I say I am going to be: I often come back later than I first plan. This is true, but I do think the responsibility of this would make a bit of a difference, and
I’d make sure to be back when I say I will be!* She can’t ask anyone else to look after the house and animals because they all just say, “well why can’t Kalyb do it? She’ll be there.” and they don’t understand why I can’t because they all think I’m just bone idle (oh yeah, and she hasn’t told them about my illness? I don’t believe that! I know she talks about me to many others behind my back.).
* She had hoped for some help from other people but they can’t do it.
(Thinks: I’m the last resort aren’t I? That’s why she didn’t mention this until last week! Somebody's let her down!). And she can’t afford to pay anyone to come in to do it.* Apparently I’ve known about this for a long time (it’s not written on any calendars in the house - there are none - I have seen no posters for the event, and she hasn’t mentioned it to me for a very very long time), and it’ll be the first holiday she’s had with her partner, and her first holiday for 11 years.
If I tell her she hasn’t mentioned it to me, she will very likely swear blind she has and claim I’ve just forgotten or I “don’t listen” - I’ve seen her do that trick with her partner).* She’s going to be worrying constantly that I’m coping, since she knows I’m “not up to speed yet” (her words) as it is, so that’s why I need to be there before she leaves.
* I’m pulling the sulky teenager face again and look like I’m about to burst into tears. (I have my contemplative face on, which is deadpan and probably looks sulky to others, yes, but that’s due to confrontational anxiety, which she’s never heard of and probably can’t understand). The face arises when I want to say something but can’t, so I have to look down or away and betray no emotion. Comes from having angry parents who terrified me as a child.
Result? really don't think I can go camping. I've had the guilt piled on in spades now. I want out of this mess. If I ever needed any proof what a manipulative, domineering control freak she really is, I have it!!!
The New Guy's going to be cheesed off, but at least I can tell him what was said today and all the landlady's tricks. I just hope he doesn't think he's dating a doormat.
Kalyb xx
poster:kalyb
thread:240353
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030704/msgs/240581.html