Posted by shar on June 19, 2003, at 17:47:49
In reply to Re: About waiting till your 50, posted by OddipusRex on June 19, 2003, at 10:40:53
> Approaching geezerdom myself, when I first saw those one liners I thought it meant that things were going to get better when you hit 50!
(ahem! cough! cough!) Geezerdom?? Hmmmm, I'm 51.
It would be a great disappointment to me if the message I sent was that things got better when one hit 50. No, nay, nein, never. Things will never get better. We will never overcome our own personal idiosyncratic dx's and demons. There will never be a certainty to any happiness we do experience. We will never live without pain. We will always wish we were dead--if that's where we come from. And, that is definitely where I come from. Suicidal ideation has been with me for as long as I can remember (in the single digits, early, like about 5 years old). I don't believe it will ever be gone, I don't believe my depression will ever be gone, I don't believe life will be anything approaching a bed (or even cot) of roses. Period.
Some things one cannot overcome, no matter what one does, and/or how one does it.
To be less entirely dark, there are things that may lend to one's life *enough* pain-absence to continue on. A shift can occur that takes the landscape from entirely desolate and bleak for decades, to a point of light on the horizon. One point of life/light. A little bitty old thing, one tiny good thing, that may take away enough of the hellish, brutish reality to allow one to go on. Maybe. Maybe not. Where does one draw the line? At 20? At 21? At 30? When one has lived more years suicidal than not (for me, that would have been age 11 or earlier).
So, where does 50 come from? The idea of honoring the self enough, in some existential sense, to give everything a try, to make a valiant effort to feel better, to honestly be able to say "I tried" before making that final decision. Well, maybe someone has tried enough by the time they are 11. What think ye? No? Not enough life experience? Still enough time to make a change?
Well, maybe one has tried enough by the time they are 20. That's almost twice 11. No? There may be more? There may be time for meds to be developed or therapy to help?
OK. How about 33? That is 300% (?) more than 11. Still too soon? 33 years of a living nightmare wanting to die is too soon? Certainly not!!
When can I say I've given it all I have, given the medical community time to invent a drug that will cure me, given therapy enough time to actually work, find another way? Well, for me, that's a half century. I can say that after the half-century mark, I have given everything I know about a good, healthy chance of succeeding.
Why suffer the intervening years? No real reason. A belief that what awaits me after my suicide may not be what I hope for. A hope that something here might change. Might change *just enough* to make crawling through another day ok.
No Pollyanna idealism here. Not about my life, anyway. Things get better at 50? Sounds like a Hallmark card, and doesn't reflect my reality; in fact, it makes me think I've been terribly unclear if that's what people heard.
It's much more scientific, and not at all scientific, and mostly just something I could wait for. I could endure all the deeply ingrained pain, because after 50 years, I could happily exercise my option to die. [At one time, I had a personal taboo about suicide, but as the time went on, and the pain went on, that became less and less important--I no longer cared whether the place I went to was better.]
Suicide is a major life decision. It should not be taken lightly. Just as entering into any major event (such as marriage) should not be taken lightly. Marrying in the midst of passion someone who you've known only a week is silly. Killing oneself in the midst of passion is irreversible.
I did want to at least try to be clear about why 50. And, now, I don't have to draw back in horror at the idea that I mean life gets better in any way at any time.
Shar
poster:shar
thread:235041
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030617/msgs/235204.html