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Re: Oh, you guys. Does it ever end? » Miller

Posted by zenhussy on May 28, 2003, at 11:32:49

In reply to Oh, you guys. Does it ever end?, posted by Miller on May 28, 2003, at 9:16:51

> I had a pdoc appointment yesterday. I think he and I are on the right track for the correct combination. I bought books. I had a phone interview for a new job. Yet...
>
> Why is everything so dramatic? Why is it I couldn't sleep at all last night? I slept a total of two hours.
>
> I realize everything can't go right at the same time. I just want to feel secure and safe for a while.
>
> My pdoc asks me, every time I see him, if I have thoughts of suicide. After my previous experiences, there is no way I would ever tell him if I was. Will the rest of my life become a blanket of lies to ease everyone's mind?
>
> Will there ever be a day when I can feel worthy of living? Will there be a time when good things happen and I will appreciate them? Feel I deserve them?
>
> Does anyone have some answers???? Please ????
>
> -Miller

Miller,

You can be honest here. Please don't feel that you have to create a blanket of lies. People here understand the ups and downs and downs and dammit it keeps going down type of life.

I do believe that you will find a day where you feel worthy of living. For now it sounds like the disease is ruling your thoughts and unfortunately in that kind of situation it is hard to "break free" of that kind of thinking. It requires meds or therapy or both. It isn't a matter of willing yourself better. There is a disease at work.

I'm sorry if being honest with your pdoc landed you in the hospital before (I'm guessing that based on your statement above about not telling him based on his previous reactions).

I've had to learn to differentiate between being actively suicidal and just having regular suicidal thoughts (with no impulse or intention of acting on them but they are just there all the damn time). I think both my pdoc and therapist now understand that I'm not going to commit suicide suddenly on them (I have contract with both--both for my comfort and theirs) but that I DO need to be able to express the suicidal thoughts that run through my mind so frequently.

As far as wondering if you will ever appreciate the good things that do happen in your life I do believe you will get to that point. And yes Miller, you most definitely deserve to have good things happen in your life.

As far as I know you aren't an axe murderer so you're a good person in my book.

Please be gentle with yourself when you are feeling like this.

I'm sorry I don't have answers but I hope I can offer up a bit of support and some understanding.

Please take care and keep posting your truth here.

zenhussy

 

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