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Why?

Posted by WorryGirl on May 14, 2003, at 16:18:38

I've been reading and writing on this board now for a few months. It has helped me tremendously in so many ways. From someone who has an extremely difficult time connecting, this is as close as I've come, until the last month or so.
Aside from a very few people, I feel that I have been discarded as useless to most of the people here.
I know I'm not witty, or even very well spoken. Being a sweet person doesn't cut it, but that's all I know how to be; I can't help it; I've never been anything else. And it's never been good enough for most people. I don't think of being "sweet" as a great quality; for someone like me, who longs to have some "attitude" and just plain isn't capable, I see myself as socially retarded. But I have always been as honest as I know how to be, even if my views occasionally get distorted. I'm not fake.
I thank ALL of you who have given me the chance to befriend you, even if it didn't take you long to figure out what a seemingly shallow, dumb, goody-two shoes or whatever you think I am that you are just not interested in.
I'm not into dramatic exits, yet it is the only way I have ever been able to have any kind of closure in my life.
When I left my first husband, I just walked out.
When I left my abusive boyfriend, I just walked out. When I quit my unbearable job, I just walked out.

I tried for 4 years with the first, 3 1/2 years with the second, and almost a year with the last, so I don't consider myself a quitter.
But as dumb as I might come across, this woman knows when to walk away.
I don't blame anyone here, just myself. I just don't have what it takes to maintain any kind of relationship, except the one with my husband (I don't know how we've made it together 9 years already - it's a miracle!).
You all are a wonderful bunch of highly intelligent, gifted, witty people. Even though you are all dealing with psychological issues, you are so uniquely special and so well spoken and smart.
If I can't even get people to take me seriously anonymously, boy do I have problems.

I'm not looking for attention or pity. Please don't bother responding as such. It would be a waste of time.

I was somehow hoping to connect with someone enough to have an e-mail friendship. I promise I wouldn't tell anyone else so you wouldn't have to be embarrassed to admit it to anyone else. You see, I am the kind of person that people are nice to when no one else is around. I'm the one that people mock because I make such an easy target - I don't fight back. Don't tell me I can - I CAN'T FIGHT BACK. I can't be something I'm not. All I know how to be nice. What a wimp. What a boring, mindless wimp I am.......
If you were to meet me in person you would probably roll your eyes. Trust me.....

Should I stay or should I go?
Self hatred is all I know
No one can give me the elusive gift
And I just can't seem to catch the drift


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poster:WorryGirl thread:226613
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030506/msgs/226613.html