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Re: She's SO SAD!

Posted by shar on April 26, 2003, at 22:15:03

In reply to Re: She's SO SAD!, posted by leeran on April 26, 2003, at 18:53:13

Fourthing what's been said so far, and a ramble thru the backroads of my mind.

I've had this temp job reading essays by high school students for a standardized test. I've probably read over 3,000 in the past two months. I have learned a LOT about what these kids are dealing with that I never would have dreamed (my high school years being decades behind me now).

With respect to pressures, a lot of the teens write about not being able to measure up, either for "real" reasons (like failing a class) or for less "reality based" reasons (that's my term, I'm sure it's very real to them) such as not having the latest hairdo or toy or clothes or ....etc. The measuring up part is often related to other people's standards, and the kids that seem to handle it better specifically talk about their parents standing by them, telling them to be their own person, supporting them through hardish times, and providing a lot of guidance. The way they write about it is not what my mother would have called guidance (a ration of criticism followed by a self-esteemectomy), but the kids talk about their parents telling them when they went through hard times, or being told 'I love you' a lot, and sort of being...well...mothered. (I have to admit to a bit of staring into space while I tried to imagine what that would have been like).

There are kids that write about how their families serve as examples of what to do and not to do (drugs, getting pregnant, graduating from high school). And, some kids have written about changing from honors classes to regular, and the relief they felt from that.

I'm no shrink, but overall what I see is kids whose parents are involved in a positive way (including discipline, not just being spoiled rotten) and moving toward them (not waiting for the kid to bring something up) and doing things with them that the parents think is appropriate (not letting the kids get away with something because they are mad or unhappy)--a steady, loving hand I guess I'd call it--seem to have the best mental health.

Oh, plus a LOT of kids mention (cringe) church, and I think it is important because as an institution it is (supposedly) a place of hope, guidance, and community--what these kids are sort of needing to lean on as they find their more adult land legs. So, I don't think it has to be church per se, but the provision of those qualities--giving hope, loving advice, and being part of a larger group. Kids write about learning to value what they have by having gone on church mission trips and helping others; and some kids have done similar things with non-church groups. It seems once they realize what they have, it gives them a slightly different take on things.

All that is very hard for one parent to do. Or even one parent and a therapist. And, I don't mean to direct all this to you, I wanted to write about it anyways, so I'm not suggesting you do any or all of it! Really! Who could do it?! Not me when I was a single parent.

These kids that write are from all walks of life, all ethnicities, all creeds, all socioeconomic groups (and the rich kids really stand out in their self-involvement). They've been shot, beaten, sexually abused, used drugs, had siblings die from a variety of things ranging from illness to violence, they're unsafe at home and in their front yards and at school, they have brand new Tahoes (SUVs) and loaded pick up trucks, rich, poorest of poor, newly arrived in the U.S., first to go to high school in their family, first to not be pregnant at 15, first baseball 'star' (because dad pushes so hard), love Christ, scared of Christ, deciding to wear traditional muslim dress for females at school....a true cross section of society at that age I think.

Anyway, I don't know if that is coherent or not, but I do hope there is something there that might be of interest, or even a little helpful.

[My story: I was an extremely depressed kid, and got hassled for it, and still get shit for not being happy, and now I never say I'm happy because then if that changes down the road it gets thrown back in my face.]

Shar


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poster:shar thread:222494
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030426/msgs/222677.html