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Well... (unpleasantly graphic and overdisclosing)

Posted by Dinah on April 25, 2003, at 20:14:02

In reply to Re: I'm fine Dinah, posted by judy1 on April 25, 2003, at 18:46:10

Actually, while I thought my therapist had finally accepted that nothing had happened, this subject cropped up in therapy today (as topics often do after I post here). And it turns out he still can't quite believe that nothing ever happened.

I do have one memory. I checked with my mom when I first remembered it, and she verified it and asked me if anything had happened.

I tend not to give to much weight to this memory, first of all because I remember that nothing had happened, and secondly because according to my gyn I was at least partially errr... "intact" in young adulthood.

It was between ages 3 and 4 1/2 while I was living with my Mom in my grandparent's house. I had insisted on wearing a too small for me shorts outfit. A shirt with a cute little frog in the same blue fabric with tiny white polkadots that made up the matching shorts. That evening my mom noticed a bloodstain in the shorts. She and my grandma grilled me about whether anything had happened that day. Where I had gone, and who I had been with. I remember quite distinctly looking down at the shorts in my hands. The blue fabric with the tiny white polkadots. There in the crotch in the relevant area was a blood stain about 1/2 inch on either side of the seam. About 2 inches long. As best I can judge from memory image. They were insisting that something must have happened. There was the evidence right in my hands. And I knew that it was my fault because my mom hadn't wanted me to wear the too tight shorts. I was confused and upset at their questions. I honestly couldn't remember anything unusual happening that day. I promised them I had stayed around the house area. I hadn't gone in the corn fields.

They probably at least looked me over. I can't remember. They finally decided it must have been the too tight shorts. And the matter was dropped.

While I'm pretty sure nothing happened (because I remember remembering that nothing happened) I guess that could have been traumatic in itself. It never did feel traumatic as I remembered it, and surely that isn't enough to account for my fears which extend all the way to kissing. It is just a stray childhood memory. No more traumatic than the other embarassing things I remember from childhood.

I'm gonna regret this post, I can tell even as I hit submit.




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