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Response to Leeran

Posted by mmcasey on April 24, 2003, at 19:34:02

In reply to Re: Beg, borrow, steal - Miller, posted by leeran on April 24, 2003, at 18:33:22

I think that, like you, that overriding sense of obligation really has kept me alive over the past few years. There have been so many "suicidal moments" (see my above post, for example) for the past 3 years or so. So many!! But, I guess that ultimately I do have something to grab onto, because somehow I am still alive and kicking. Right now is particularly bad for me. I have of course had better times, but not MUCH better. It's so discouraging to me at times, though. I think a lot that I am sick of this feeling that I am surviving, but not LIVING. YOu know, putting one foot in front of the other sort of thing. That's not a life. I want better.

But back to obligation. I think the biggest thing is the thought of my family, my older sister and younger sister and mother and father, and my best friend. It would devastate them. The thought of them mourning my death absolutely CRUSHES me. It has brought me to tears at times when I've found myself writing a rough draft of my suicide note to them (another little habit I have). But even smaller and less important obligations have saved me at times. Back in school, I would think "I can't try to kill myself because I have to study for my test, and killing myself will really interfere with that!" It's very ironic, and kind of deranged when you think about it.

Thanks for your story, and for reading mine.




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