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Re: Beg, borrow, steal - Miller

Posted by leeran on April 24, 2003, at 18:33:22

In reply to Re: And sometimes you have to borrow some, posted by Dinah on April 24, 2003, at 17:19:40

I'm like Dinah. I currently have extra on hand.

Last week I didn't, but this board and all the honesty and "fellowship" (and “galship”) that exists is really helping me sort out some old laundry. A refill of Wellbutrin after a month off didn't hurt, either.

I can't go it alone. Did I say that? I can't believe it. But, I did – and I can’t.

Obviously, medication (for me) is a big part of the quotient but I'm starting to realize that connecting with other people is just as important.

I'll be perfectly honest here. I've never, ever written this (or said it out loud) before. Too bad there isn’t an italics tool for this, it seems like it needs a little emphasis - but here it is -

I'm 100% positive that I would have offed myself about four years ago had it not been for my son.

Some might think, big whoop, that's a milestone? But for me, a control freak extraordinaire, that's a big admission.

Why the heck didn't I do it? Was it hope? Fear? What???

I THINK (but I’m not sure) that it was ultimately a sense of obligation. To my son, to whoever would find me, to my parents (who are miserable enough without me making it worse), to my fiance (who is now my husband), to my ex-husband who would be left to raise our son on his own, to his wife (who probably would have done most of the work), to my business partner/best friend and I guess, ultimately, to myself (but at that moment the “myself” part didn’t enter into it, I just see that now, because I distinctly remembering that all I wanted for myself was blackness.

Obligation = guilt in my personal dictionary. One of the words I struggle with the most probably saved me.


It kept the razor blade off my wrists that night. And there wouldn’t have been any safety valves. My son was with his father that night and it was winter and the only one who could make it up the road to my house was me (and that was just barely, which was just part of the bigger problem).

There are a lot of things I would have missed if I hadn’t felt obligated: My son’s eighth grade graduation, his first time on the honor roll, watching him skateboard without the fear that I’ve always felt to do anything more complicated than put one foot in front of the other, marrying my husband, walking the dog and holding her up over the seawall to see the seals barking, and a zillion other little mundane (and not so mundane) things that have happened since that night in Target when I thought “I think I’ll go home and kill myself.”

When remnants of those feelings start to stir, I remember that night and realize that what made me so desperately want to feel “nothing” and turn down the volume was the fact that I felt like I had no control any more over my situation. But do we ever? Excuse the analogy, but I've thought a lot about Dr. Atkins lately. If the carbohydrates don't get to you, something else will. Control can be good, but the need for too much of it has often left me boxed into the corner.

I hope that there is something, no matter how seemingly insignificant, that you can grab onto – (physically/mentally) every moment you feel like there’s no hope or that you're no longer in control of your situation. When I heard Anne Lamott speak a few months ago she described a little blue eraser in the shape of a shoe that she would clench in her hand when she felt out of control (the title of her latest book is ““Blue Shoe”” - I haven’t read it so I’m not recommending it, just giving credit to her since I borrowed from her).

On the subject of borrowing, Dinah is right – if you don’t have anything of your own to grab onto, BORROW it, beg for it or steal some temporarily from someone who does.

I’m glad you posted. Even though I’m new in these parts, I was worried and wondering about you.




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