Posted by sienna on March 16, 2003, at 21:44:15
went to ER last nite because i thought i was dying but i wasnt dying but they all looked at me funny and reading my mind. and i watched to see whether each person could and some could and some coulndnt. but then when they wanted to put the cardiogram thingie on me i didnt want take of fmy clothes because last time they took me to a psych ward. they said i had to take off my shirt but i said dont touch me but i took it off and i put the things on and the gown but my jacket over it.
then the doctor came said my cardigram is normal and listened to me breathihng i said im not takeing off my clothes and then listened more. and put one hand on my back and other on my chest and pushed to see if it hurt but it didnt but it scared me and i didnt want them to touch me just make sure im not dying. then they called the psych on call and i talk to him on the phone.
I didnt want to tell him much becuase i think that if i tell then the guy who hurt me knows i am saying something because he can hear me talking and knows im telling and then he will kill me and i guess thats not real but how do you know if its real or not., cuz it feels real and i told the psch dr. that and he kept saying to tell him so i told him what happened of getting raped and telling will make it happen again because it always seems to and its forever linked for me. but he asked me did it happen beofre
im scared to tell him but i did tell him yes and hes aiys when and i tell him of when i was 8 - 10 and it happend then when i waws 13 and my bf was 19 and it happened then for 3 years again when i was 19 walking home from a party. hate new orleans bittersweet sick beautiful place. now im scared they are coming to kill me and break into my house. i didnt tell him all of the times because all of them arent rape and i dont know what is right and wrong anymore. its so confusing
something is wrong with me. the poison inside me and its like whatever i did i am still being punished and im supposed to just take it because im did it to myself but i dont know if that is real or not. and it makes me want to cut and feel and bleed but i cant.