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Just Venting

Posted by misslalou on March 15, 2003, at 0:53:50

I find that my life is nothing more then a harsh, cruel and cold game that I play every day. It seems the harder I try to live and follow its rule the more it thrashes me around beating me with its cruel punishments. There simply is no way to win and the only way is out. I mean I have tried every medication under the sun. I attend a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy group for 2 hours every week and have been in it for 2 ½ years. I see my private therapist every week. I self-harm and use to do it several times a day and now can go months between episodes. I’m simply tired of life throwing me bad news all the time. Three years ago I lost 12 people, in the last 2 years I’ve lost another 7. The last person was my mother who died 3 months ago. All my grandparents are gone, my father, a brother, a sister, all but 3 uncles, one aunt, and numerous others and I’m only 33. This week I received news that my bests friends sister who has breast cancer may have finally reached the end. My favorite uncle who is a diabetic is in very bad shape with an infection that has gone into the nerves of his face and brain, also a staff infection, his kidneys are not functioning well, his blood pressure is 200+ and his blood sugar is over 300. Then lastly my best friend’s husband is being sent to Kuwait for 6 months next week. I just don’t see the point in going on when all I seem to ever hear in my life is news of someone else I love dying. I’d rather be dead with them all now. I screwed up and ended up cutting on Monday and I finally told my boyfriend today. He didn’t take the news very well. I just came home from a 10-day hospital stay on March 3rd so this really has him worried. I didn’t dare tell him that I’m feeling suicidal again, he’d probably drive me back to the damn hospital. I just don’t know how to bring myself out of the despair this time. I try to convince myself to want to live for my children, but it just isn’t working. My therapist says I need to want to live for myself, but I hate myself and always have. We both agree that needs to change, but I wonder if I can hold on long enough for that. I haven’t had an easy life, my therapist says it was a miracle that I lived through my childhood. He tells me to use that strength to get through this period, but I’m so tired of being strong and fighting. I’m rambling here and not even sure why I’m posting this. I’ve probably said way too much and really just needed to vent. No response is necessary.


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poster:misslalou thread:209301
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030308/msgs/209301.html