Posted by mikhail99 on January 17, 2003, at 21:31:41
In reply to Re: your needs... » mikhail99, posted by IsoM on January 17, 2003, at 18:56:34
> I'd be the last person to add any discord to someone's marriage, but I do understand what you mean. I've been single for 6 years now & am far happier than I'd ever been with my husband. I stuck it out for 24 years. To him, his needs were paramount over mine & our sons. When we needed attention, he said he was too depressed to give. Never mind that I was struggling with depression too. I never even asked for much either.
Thanks IsoM, you're not adding discord. Much of what you said isn't anything new for me. My husband can be a sweet guy but he's very selfish with his time and his emotions. If you could see what I have to do to get him to tell me just what's going on with him. I go through cycles where I tolerate it but then I get fed up. I try not to ask for much either, it makes things so much simpler. :-)
>
> I feel because I put my needs on the back burner, it only made him more complacent & figured the situation didn't have to change. It was only when a crisis point was reached & I demanded that we get some counselling & work on this together that he found the better solution was to leave.
>
> Try to get your husband to accompany you to your pdoc or therapist so he can hear this from someone other than you. Hopefully, if he cares enough about you, he'll be willing to do his best to make some changes. You may even need to make some too to reinforce more loving behaviour. Any improvements, even small, should be encouraged. I hope something better works out for you.He and I do see my therapist (that I'm having major transference issues with, no surprise there) but only once or twice a month, that's as much as he'll do. It has helped and like I said earlier, my therapist has encouraged me to ask for more, to get my needs met by my husband. (So I can stop developing crushes on any man who is nice to me) Not all of it my husband's fault either, we have some pretty horrendous patterns that are so hard to break. I'm not the best communicator when I'm angry and hurt and I do tend to be very needy and self-centered.
Thanks for sharing your experience with me, it helps to know when there are people out there that have such similar experiences. I'm so glad that you are happy with where you are, you made a good decision.
Take care,
Mik
poster:mikhail99
thread:35372
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030111/msgs/35420.html