Posted by Dinah on January 11, 2003, at 10:08:39
After a turbulent therapy session yesterday, things just kept getting worse.
My therapist reminded me that I had spoken to my father about the fact that I was stretched as thin as I could stretch, and that they were going to have to hire people to do things they used to rely on me to do - like mowing the lawn or helping with the major cleaning or taking the occasional cab. I'd help them with the hiring, and the paying if they needed it, but I was a bit past my limit right now with being a mom, wife, and worker. Everything is behind now and I just can't take any more on.
My father took it well and agreed (although he thinks all they need help with is the lawn). My mother told me last night that she is going to do the lawn herself. Of course she isn't, she can't. She hasn't even walked into the back yard for years. I interpreted her remark as "I'm going to make this difficult for you" or even at my most generous as "I'm going to fight every step of the way for my independence and I hate asking help of outsiders." This is the same woman who waited for hours at the repair shop because they couldn't locate me to bring her home. My husband ended up getting home before I did, and picking her up. I told her that sometimes she's just got to take a cab and she responded that she doesn't take cabs. That's what family is for.
I can't do for them what she wants me to do, it is beyond my capabilities. But I am beginning to face how difficult they're going to make life for me anyway, even if I don't (because I can't) give in.
So last night I woke up with such strong urges for self harm that I woke up my husband and asked him to tie my hands. He just got angry, and I dropped it and instead did creative visualization that my hands were anchored to the bed and couldn't take my bottle of klonopin, or cut, or drive the car to run away from home.
I dread the middle of the night sometimes. It's the worst time for these things. The time when I can't distract myself with other things. Is it really so bad to have my hands tied before I go to bed? Is there another way to physically restrain myself so that these urges don't torment me in the middle of the night? I know it all seems rather extreme, but I am concerned what will happen to me as the pressure increases. The middle of the night is a vulnerable time for impulsive actions. I don't want to be hospitalized. That seems extreme. But I would like the safety of not having to fight the urges.
poster:Dinah
thread:35045
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030111/msgs/35045.html