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Disillusioned

Posted by Tabitha on January 10, 2003, at 7:56:51

I don't know how to work out conflicts here. I tried with Alii, I used my "I feel" statements, I threw in some (sincere) praise along with the criticism. Maybe I could have worded it better. Looking back I think I could have, but it's a skill I'm learning. You can never be too gentle with people, I know that, yet I'm not gentle enough. I was just utterly stunned by the reply. The sarcastic subject line with my name in it was enough. My own words, my very "I feel" statement, twisted into a sarcastic quip. Can't think of anything worse. It didn't even get a PBC (another shocker, leading me to doubt my own perception of sarcasm). People say don't read posts if you have a problem with the person, a technique I use myself here, but subject lines are just there. THere's no choice about reading them.

All the comments about duels just made me sad. I couldn't tell how much was directed at me, but if anyone thinks I'm here to duel, believe it or not I'm actually here to connect with people. The best advice I've ever gotten on human relationships says if you have a problem with a person, the way to resolve it is to state it, with all the "I feel" stuff, etc. If that's going to be interpreted as picking a fight, then I just have to give up.

I'm not here to trade clever insults. I like cleverness, in the service of humor. Not mean-spirited humor. THere are so many comments on this board right now, in that thread, and the one to Beardedlady, that just strike me as being little insults, worded carefully so that they're barely under the radar of the civility cop. Maybe I'm misreading, but if so, then I can't function here. It's just too... can't even come up with a word. How about unsafe, that's pretty close.

Did Nikki actually call me a bitch? Honestly I couldn't tell if it was me or Alii, but either way it didn't help the situation.

It seems every time a conflict comes up, it just divides the group, people take sides, or try to be careful not to take sides, and a bunch of insult-trading happens, and the unlucky impulsive ones get blocked, and the conflict doesn't get resolved, and the division lingers. I don't know how to manage that problem here, with this format. In group therapy it's hard enough, but at least it's possible. One of the keys there is that first of all the members are screened. You've all got the same goal, to learn to connect with each other. When conflict comes up, you're all trapped together talking it out til it's resolved. Of course you've got a professional there to help you with your wording. And if any one person causes too much conflict they are removed. Nobody is there to win the one-upmanship contest. And if they are, they'll have to talk about it til they give up their game.

I think Dr Bob is on the right track, trying to keep the focus on support and education. That's a manageable goal. I probably wanted too much from this group, I wanted it to be more of a community, and I wanted to connect with people and develop relationships. (Those dang people, they just get tired of talking about side effects and want to socialize!) In retrospect, I can see the threads that work best are the purely light-hearted ones, and the purely supportive ones (i.e. person posts problem, everyone offers support, person feels better).

Yet I wanted more, I wanted to get to know people, get a picture of their personalities, and develop affection for them. Once you start doing that, then, conflicts happen, and, well, like I said, they just don't get worked out.

Beardedlady's departure hit me hard, too. I think I understand it better now. Everyone has their limits. For her, it's being seen as cruel. Maybe she'll get over that hurt and return, again. But I'm sad that going off alone and licking your wounds is the only option here. There really ought to be a better way.

I've been struggling with these feelings. I'd normally think OK, I'm hurt, I'll share my feelings with the group. I tried that one a while back, and got ridiculed for being too sensitive. The SPOW era. There's more stuff lately about thick skin, so I know that sharing my hurt will likely invite ridicule. It really leaves one in a box. Can't share hurt, can't share anger, can't call people on their crap.

Disillusioned. Hurt. Tears. Yup, I'm in tears over my message board. That's me. SPOW. Angry, the impotent kind, there's nothing to do with it. What do I do? Throw the computer across the room? Send some angry email? Sadness. COnfusion. Doubting my perceptions, unable to get clarification, because it doesn't even feel safe to talk about it.

I learned one thing about relationships, and I learned it the hard way. If what you're doing doesn't work, and you keep thinking if only you try again, or try harder, it will work, well... it's time to stop. Even if you're hooked into hoping for change. Just stop.

 

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poster:Tabitha thread:34965
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030104/msgs/34965.html