Posted by mikhail99 on December 30, 2002, at 20:18:37
In reply to Re: Thanks guys for trying to help, posted by Miller on December 30, 2002, at 18:54:45
> I guess I look at my past differently than you guys look at yours. I see my life as a scale. On one side is the bad situations I created and on the other is the good. It seems no matter how many good things I have done, the bad side ALWAYS outweighs the good.
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> I am afraid that I will repeat the SAME bad things I have done in the past. I don't trust myself to make thoughtful decisions. I see myself as being very weak to other peoples directions. If the directions point me to danger or evil, I still travel down that road. It's like I don't have the strength to upset someone I care for. (Whether the feeling is recipricated or not.)
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> I have told my therapist some of what I feel. He keeps telling me that I am a different person now. He thinks my life is going in an upward spiral. Meaning that although I can still see who I was, I am now too far past to repeat. I wish I had his kind of faith, but I don't.
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> I wish I could stand back and feel safe and comfortable enough to really believe what others are trying to get me to realize. But in the back of my mind, all I see is a pathetic person that is willing to do ANYTHING to be loved or accepted. So, if I get desperate enough, I would hurt others for my own gain.
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> As far as time goes, I really don't see how time is a great healer. Some of my more atrocious deeds were done over 15 years ago. I still can't forgive myself. Nor, do I think I should. There are some things that I have done to others that will be with them eternally. How can a person make up for that?
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> I have done tons of volunteer work. I give blood quite often. I try very hard to make others happy. I don't think volunteering is the answer for me. There is the selfish part of me that continues to talk inside my head, reminding me that Iam not doing volunteering for the less fortunate; but for the hopes of helping myself. So, I guess it kind of cancels it all out.
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> I was just hoping that someone would have the secret ingredient that would allow me some relief to the self-induced hell I put myself through. As I originally thought, I think my destiny is to be punished indefinately for being so bad as well as for knowing I would do it all again.
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> Thank you all again for trying to help me.
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> -Miller
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Miller~I really have to concur with Dinah's suggestions about researching OCD. I think it could be one of the reasons you can't let go of it. You're therapist is someone who can objectively look at you and see how you've changed and grown. If you're in the grip of OCD, of course you're going to fear doing those things over again, of course you won't be able to see another side of things. From reading all your posts about your past, I would bet my life that if you dropped back into that scenario, you would turn your back on it. You must start looking at where you are now instead of where you've been. Those mistakes were yours to learn from but they're done and gone. You sound like a terrific, empathetic, sensitive person and you must give yourself credit for where you are today. I know it's easy for all of us to say, "Stop beating yourself up", it really doesn't work that way. Something has to happen to make you start believing in yourself and I think that can happen in therapy. I don't know where I am religion-wise all the times but I know that we are loved and forgiven and you don't have to suffer for these things anymore. If that greater power can love and forgive you, then you must do the same.Take care!
poster:mikhail99
thread:34180
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20021226/msgs/34210.html