Posted by Dinah on December 30, 2002, at 10:40:49
In reply to Guilt, Guilty, Guilt, Guilty, Guilt, etc., etc. , posted by Miller on December 30, 2002, at 9:40:23
Miller, you really sound like me now. :) I have asked those exact same thoughts and had myself condemned, if not to eternal damnation (because I'm not sure about the afterlife) then at least to hell on earth.
Why don't you try an internet search on OCD or obsessive compulsive disorder, and scrupulosity or scrupulous or scrupulousness. Something like that. It is thought that John Wesley and Martin Luther, and a lot of other religious figures had it. Basically, with scrupulousness, you are convinced of your own sinful nature. I'm oversimplifying of course.
And why don't you talk to your therapist, or your religious leader, about why you think there is a "good chance" that bad deeds will be repeated. I could say a lot about that, because I have been thinking about it (nonstop sometimes) for many years, and I have come to a lot of conclusions (none of which would make you feel badly about the issue I assure you - I have come to a greater ability to forgive myself). But I think you should discuss this with either a religious authority, or your therapist. Therapists are very familiar with guilt and expiation of guilt. Please don't feel embarassed about telling him everything and explaining your current feelings of guilt. He won't be able to help you in that intensive course of treatment unless he has all the facts.
I hesitate to say more, because of course I can't convince you that you won't do the same things again. No one can. And I'm afraid that arguing the obsessions will just make them stronger. All this can get tangled in an obsessive loop. I know it can for me, at least. Sigh... But on the other hand, I also know that keeping the obsessions secret also strenghtens them.
Hmmm. I'll just say that my conclusions are that sometimes our brains are tricked into thinking we would do the same things over again. And sometimes it's true and that's okay. Because people generally do let people down over and over again in the same way. Haven't you noticed that about the people who hurt you? And since it's so much human nature, it must be built into the forgiveness system. :) My belief is that as long as we are trying, and moving in the right direction that that counts as making amends. Slips along the way just mean we're human. That's just the conclusion I've come to, for what it's worth.
Is there any way to contact your therapist? Have you tried SSRI's? Are you religious? I wish I could airmail my therapist to you. He hears this thing all the time, and is excellent at helping me gently untangle my thoughts and coax them from their obsessive loop. Perhaps your therapist also has that talent, or would if he knew what was going on?
At least give yourself a break until you are able to talk to your therapist. :)
With all my best wishes (and a lot of faith in you),
Dinah
PS I'm sorry about your job situation. Would your boss feel the same way about someone going in for cancer treatments, or heart bypass surgery? Trying to deal with suicidal feelings is just as lifesaving and serious. What is the labor law in your area? Is your job with a large employer?
poster:Dinah
thread:34180
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20021226/msgs/34190.html