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Re: clarity, hurt feelings, and more - beardedlady

Posted by Angel Girl on July 2, 2002, at 0:14:55

In reply to clarity, hurt feelings, and more Alii, posted by beardedlady on June 30, 2002, at 8:45:57

> Alii:
> I guess what threw us all off is your plans to pick up your "partner" at the airport on Wednesday. I read your post, which included returning home to escape this hell, and I thought you were still on vacation and were planning to get things for your return home from your hellish island paradise. Anyway, it wasn't clear that "out" meant "suicide," especially since your post was calm.
> > Many people suggest that I adjust and learn to love moments of life that shine through darkness. Screw them! Seriously.
> You're right. Screw me and the rest of us for not cheering you on to your end. Seriously.
> It was my mistaken belief that you wanted help, that you were looking for some coping skills, that you wanted to know people cared about you and that you've made a difference in our lives.
> > Why should I accept a dulled life devoid of my art, my ability to think, do, be?
> I don't think anyone suggested you should. We--rather, I, as I don't want to speak for others, am trying to help you find ways to change that, to encourage your art, to help you cope, etc.
> > I am only venting that I'm tired of constant fight I wage against irrational thoughts of offing myself......but not actively suicidal.....look only those who feel, or have felt as I do know what I'm talking about so really don't push any don't die crap on me please.
> I can understand venting. I have done it to my family for almost four years now. And it wears them down something awful. But what is "die crap"? What do you mean? And what do you want from people here?
> Would it be better if, when you vented, we simply said, "Okay. We hear you!"? Would you prefer no responses? Do you just want folks to commiserate?
> Because I don't want to offer you any of the ideas that have worked for me after I was so down I couldn't talk and my body just shook violently for days and I wanted to die because I thought my infant, then toddler, than child deserved a mommy who could be there for her. I don't want to tell you how I have not been that way for two years, as I have continued to get better and cope with it better. Because I don't want to be told, "Screw you!"
> I'm sorry to be so hard on you, Alii, but for some reason I really do care about you. Of all the lost souls on this board, you and Angel Girl have hit me hard. And rather than feeling sorry for you right now, I'm feeling sorry for me. I don't know why, but I guess the "screw them" part really hurt my feelings.
> And I don't mean to turn your thread around to me, but maybe there's some significance in that at this moment. I don't know. See, my "moments of life that shine through the darkness" used to occur, until Friday, at the park, where I have walked my dogs every day for nine years. And now that someone held a gun on me there, that is gone. And I am so f*cking angry and sad and sick about it, I don't know what to do myself.
> But here I am still. Trying to help you. Because there is some darkness shining through the dark that needs some light right now.
> a very teary beardy : (>


I never knew you cared about me. :)

Angel Girl




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