Posted by alii on June 2, 2002, at 3:31:40
In reply to stopping the tide of self-destruction, posted by alii on May 25, 2002, at 2:04:18
Why stop the storm that the mind has brewed up? Why fight so hard every day to take pills that suck, work two years on two years off since '95, lose my libido, lordy knows what I've done to my liver with the pharmacy of ADs I've pumped through my system. And for what?
So I can sit her again tonight taking pills to numb the pain. I don't want to go as far as to end it but damn I would like to just stop this ride.......yo ride man I want off. Money back? Money...all mine goes to my meds since I am without the luxury of insurance.....ranges from $250-375 monthly and then you toss in tx and pdoc and wow......I live my shitty little painful existence just to support the pharmaceutical companies and my local pharmacist, doc, and head shrinking community.
Enough. I really want none of this anymore.......I'll stay on meds but the rest goes. The numbing pills keep on coming in. But I'm still not numb...I still feel the pain.
From a suicide memorial site (1000deaths.com) a few quotes that struck me......and yes going to a suicide site helps me evaluate within myself where that option stands...
++pain is only bearable if we know it will end, not if we deny it exists.
++Feeling suicidal is not a "choice" or character flaw, it's an illness. Treat it like one.
++Memories are bitter treasures, when each one is a clue.
++When sorrow has no words it expresses itself in the body.
++Only when the sadness is overwhelming do we begin to understand. The line between us and them is more narrow than any of us could admit.
Is it any wonder they couldn't tell us of their pain?.....so my point being that psb provides an eye to the world and to UoCpsych research for me to spill out the messy reality of psych meds, ptsd, major depression and no current therapist. This is a mind ungluing. Here is the wild swings of empty functioning, smiling masks and constant thoughts of death.
I have no point anymore and I'm still not numb.......What will it take? How much more can I take?
---Alii
why can't I find some sleep? some numbness from this torment? and I've done all the frickin breathing exercises, et al
Is is so much to ask to just have a few nights in a row without wanting to die in the few hours sleep I get?
Can I please stop wishing I would be the random victim of freeway accident gone awry?
I see pdoc on 10th until then this pasty yellow background board is my place to let this gorey crap hang out in the open.
World this is when intelligence means nothing and I wish like hell I could go back to drink and drugs to get out of this space that has seeped into my being...into my core....and really into my head...
poster:alii
thread:24406
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020531/msgs/24954.html