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Posted by Phil on May 14, 2002, at 19:14:36

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I
don't like and just give her a house,"
--Lewis Grizzard

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun
with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at somebody elses house.
Jeff Foxworthy

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis,
and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without
even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
--Marilyn Pittman

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay,
and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out
in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't
trying to teach you how to swim."
--Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that
study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating
a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned
sixty, and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of
fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest
to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn
--Warren Hutcherson

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the
-Oscar Wilde

"Suppose you were an idiot . . . . And suppose you were a member
of Congress . . . . But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain

"Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out
a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it
as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give
you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought
of that!'"
--Dave Barry




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