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Journal entry about my relationship probs--LONG

Posted by Roo on May 10, 2002, at 9:29:15

I decided to share a journal entry about my current relationship
problems. We've been having problems the last couple of weeks b/c
I went down on the dose of my meds and got really depressed, heavy
and sometimes lashed out and got accusatory "you don't really care"
"you're losing interest in me" ...all that immature stuff (embarrassing
to have people see that side of me. Anyway, I thought I'd share it
to see if anyone wanted to share any insights. It may
be too long, tedious and boring for anyone to read, but I just
thought I'd put it out here and see if I get any bites:


Me and ___(my current boyfriend) had a good talk yesterday. It was
a good talk and I felt alot better. I still have some
insecurites, and I'm really afraid of being hurt, and
I can feel that I am in self protection mode. I
asked him if my behavior the last couple of weeks
made him feel like I didn't care for him. He said,
no, he knew I cared about him, but it made him
feel unsure of whether he could care for anyone.
I think because he felt more annoyance than
compassion when I was feeling bad. He said it
made him feel like a bully, and he didn't like that
feeling. But it scares me that he felt that way. I
guess I'm still pretty afraid of being dumped, or like
I can't just be myself (the bad and the good) or I'll
get dumped. We also talked some about sex. He
said that he thought the last couple of weeks had
made him shut down sexually. I said but that's
been going on since we've first been going out (about 4 months).
That makes me wonder, I said, if from the
beginning some part of him, maybe even
subconsciously, felt things weren't really right with
us. It also just plain makes me feel like maybe
he's just not all that sexually attracted to me and
can't admit it to himself, or to me. That hurts to
think about. Then I told him his impotence problem
really bothered me a lot more than I let on. I think
that hurt him, and I wonder if b/c I felt hurt that
subconsciously I was trying to hurt him. I mean
it's true and I think he should know that, but
maybe the timing was wrong. I don't know. It
just sort of popped out. He was talking about the
sex and said something like "I mean I like it, but I
don't know, I don't know what's going on"... and I
just thought "you LIKE it..." that just doesn't really
sound enthusiastic enough for my ego. He also
said that he found me attractive and that I was
very receptive, but again, he didn't really know
what was going on. I said, yeah but that's
different than feeling a sexual CONNECTION, and
that I found (my ex boyfriend) attractive, and he was
certainly receptive, but that I didn't feel a spark for
him and it just wasn't happening. I feel helpless
about it b/c I don't think you can manufacture
sexual chemistry. I feel a spark for him, it's just
the mechanics that don't seem to be working right.
What makes me worry even more is that he
says he's never had this problem before. So
suddenly when he's with me, he has the problem.
What's that mean? He mentioned that he felt
fears of intimacy, and sometimes had performance
anxiety...so I guess it COULD possibly be that he
really likes me and it scares him and THAT's the
problem. I just don't know. It makes me feel very
self protective and unsexy though, insecure about
my sexual attractiveness. I'm embarrassed to
mention this b/c now I'm ashamed that I said it,
but when this came up, I was defensive and said
"But, you know, if you don't find me sexually
attractive, it doesn't mean I"M NOT, or someone
else wouldn't find me sexually attractive". I think
that came out wrong and sounded like I was
going to go out and find someone that was
attracted to me. Although I think I was being
defensive and self protective, I don't think I meant
it like that (about finding someone else)--I meant it
more like what isn't sexy to one person, might be
very sexy to another. It's subjective. But I regret
the way I phrased it, and being defensive about it.
I guess we have even more processing to do,
even though we talked yesterday and it was
good, it seemed to bring up more stuff for me. It
probably did for him too. I guess we need to talk
again. Ugh. We are really struggling lately. I
wonder if we will make it.


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poster:Roo thread:23497
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020509/msgs/23497.html