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What is wrong with me???

Posted by Penny on April 24, 2002, at 10:09:31

What is wrong with me??? I'm 26, a bit heavy but normal looking, depressed but not a psychopath, yet I scare off any man who dares get close to me.

Or should I say, they scare me off. Y'all, I'm 26 and I've NEVER BEEN KISSED. Seriously. Not b/c I haven't longed for it. But because I'm absolutely scared to death to admit my own needs for a romantic/sexual relationship. I've had crushes, a few (very few) dates, but none that have gone past one. I went to college, had guy friends and still do (though now they're all too old or married). I'm extremely attracted to 'safe' guys - in college it was professors, now it's married men, b/c I would never NEVER cross that line, or men who are 20 years my senior. And I've always thought I would just get married, have kids, etc. But now, I don't think it's ever gonna happen.

After 2 1/2 years in therapy, I don't know that I'm any closer to reaching my goal of opening up to a relationship...or 'putting myself out there.' Just can't seem to get to that point. When I do start to open up to the possibility...I get more depressed. Then I can focus on that. My therapist says it's probably in part because of my fear that I become depressed. That the depression, while extremely painful, is also a 'comfort zone' for me, and I think she's exactly right. I mean, I know how to act when I'm depressed. I've been that way for so long, it's all I know really.

This is all coming back up b/c my therapist will be back soon and I'll have to face this problem again. I suppose I don't have to...I could always just join a convent (ha).

But, seriously, it's enough to send me over the edge. I've been feeling quite down lately (again) and hopeless. Like, if this is all there is to life, I don't want it anymore. Like I'm going to be alone forever b/c, obviously, no one would want to be with me. And I can't say that I blame them. I suppose I am just whining about it, but it hurts so much inside. Being alone hurts, and the fear of opening up to someone is overwhelming, so much so that I prefer the hurt. But, truly, I'd prefer to just not be here anymore.

Penny


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poster:Penny thread:22547
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