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Re: isolation » mair

Posted by wendy b. on December 19, 2001, at 11:04:08

In reply to Re: isolation, posted by mair on December 17, 2001, at 14:15:03

> Wendy - As usual you've said some things that really resonate for me.

That's nice, I always look forward to reading your posts, too, even if I'm not commenting. Sometimes I think offering my 2 cents isn't necessary, so I don't post... I gotta tell myself: I am not the expert on everything. Although on some subjects, I do have some experience or have done some hard thinking about it. So it all just depends.

> I'm reminded daily that i have it, and at times, it has seemed every bit as life threatening as cancer, but since no one knows about it, I never get the kind of support people sometimes get who are more obviously sick.

I feel this way a lot. Just because my illness ain't visible don't mean I ain't got it. And it would be nice to receive support on a daily basis, as I'm sure terminally-ill patients do... But since I tell so few people, I guess I am cutting myself off from any possible empathy I might get. It's just that I don't expect people to *understand* if they haven't been through it, like they would *understand* a broken bone or a bout of the flu. Nonetheless, the people I have talked to about my depression have been nice to me about it. Not as judgemental as I thought they would be...


> The other thing I agree with is that I think I can express myself (verbally) more easily, at least to my therapist, because I've already expressed some of what i need to say to her in writing. Correspondingly, some of the things my therapist has said to me are reinforced here either by someone else or by me in my response to another poster. After enough repetition, you can't help but have things sink in to even the hardest of heads.

This is just what I mean. That I could just as persuasively argue that posting here would help the person become more 'fluent,' we could say, at the things other people who aren't depressed can do with ease. i.e., being social. Fi says it well in her post, that maybe introverts shouldn't be held to the same standard as extroverts. Like: being sociable shouldn't be the litmus test for normal behavior.

>Recently I had to deal with a rather unusual issue that arose with my therapist. I went over it in some detail in a series of email exchanges with a person from this board and that process really helped me clarify my own thinking and helped me push myself to raise it in therapy.

Writing helps me a lot. It's a therapeutic activity. I like to read other postings because they're so instructive. Put simply, I can work things out here, within another time-frame entirely. It's a time of my own choosing, which gives me control, which lessens anxiety. Also, issues close to my heart and mind are just more interesting to me. I want to be a writer, but sometimes lack the discipline to spend serious, set-aside time on it. At least here I'm writing, even if that sounds lame… Further, for someone whose feelings were squashed at an early age, being able to 'converse' with other people about feelings is big stuff.

In the 'real world' I have to come back with snappy answers, here I don't. In the real world, I have zero time to go over things in my head before expressing an opinion. Here, I'm able to pause and work it out in my own mind before I post. I don't know if you remember, but I'm bipolar with depressive features. I am supposedly 'impulsive,' or have acted impulsive in the past, and I'm working on it in therapy. For me, having been 'burnt' by moments in my 'real world' when I blurted something out & should have held my tongue, I like the idea of being able to pause and reflect before I speak. Why make a mess of things when you can sit tight for a while? I don't know if this makes any sense to you, but it's a lesson in learning how to contain myself.


>I think my therapist would like me to be a little more spontaneous, and would like me to feel that I could work through things with her alot more easily.

What does she mean by this? I do think it's great to be spontaneous when you've got something interesting or relavant to say. But I don't like bullshitting at all. So I guess taking time to think could be argued to be a more genuine or mature way of responding to the world. I'm playing devil's advocate on some of these issues, obviously. I know that spontaneity is useful in many situations. Personally, I feel quite easy talking in front of other people, but it's a learned behavior from a less-than-stable childhood, you know: sing, dance, tell funny stories, anything but talk about what is real… So I'm ambivalent about it now.

>I don't think PSB is that addictive for me. How much I come here varies from time to time. My therapist tried to get me to see if there is a pattern to when i come. I see none. Right now i just happen to feel comfortable here and that I have something I can offer. That's certainly not always the case.

Right, I feel the same. Also, if I don't participate, it's because I'm thinking, not because I'm too busy or I don't care. My therapist isn't very sure about the internet. She was amazed when I told her the DSM-IV was online in several places. So I think she's one of these people who think making friends on the internet is weird, and I don't talk about PSB much in therapy…

> BTW - have you tried to email sar? She gave us an email address last week in one of her posts but I can't get it to work.

Maybe I've been neglectful, uh oh…! I just figured when she was connected back up to the internet, she'd post. I think she was going to get settled first. So not to worry - she can't stay away forever! I'll give her a try today, too, see what happens… It's not quite the same on the Board without her, is it?

> When you said you could feel xmas coming was that a positive statement or a forewarning?

Oh, I feel pretty ok about Christmas, just that there's sooo much to do, and no time to do it in. I know you're not a big Christmas fan… My daughter is old enough now (9) to be hiding packages in her room, and we're having fun with it all. I just bought these 2 cute little Kyocera cell phones for the two of us, at a really good price. And so "Santa" is going to leave one for her and one for me under the tree. I hope she will be as excited as I am about them… I've never ever owned one, now I'll feel COOL!

Anyway, I've written too much, just wanted to thank you for writing, and hope you and yours are well.

love,
Wendy


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URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011216/msgs/15790.html