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Re: Holiday Depression - Shar

Posted by Gracie2 on November 26, 2001, at 11:18:52

In reply to Re: Holiday Depression Gracie2, posted by Shar on November 25, 2001, at 23:01:22

Shar-
Thank you so much for your good wishes. I think I am feeling better all the time. First, while my husband was gone, I didn't have to put up with his constant nagging and complaining; I don't have any clean shorts, this place is a mess, I told you to never use that credit card except in an absolute emergency, you burned the meat again...I mean, it was just nonstop emotional abuse, and it was wearing me down. Even when everything was perfect, there was never a compliment or a thank-you. Just silence.

I was frightened for about a day after he left, because it is such a huge adjustment to live alone after 18 years. Then I started to get angry. This is really not typical of me; usually my anger turns inwards, and I get very depressed.
This time I thought - I thought the same thing you did. I thought, who is this person to leave me on a family holiday, and then return to let me know whether I was good enough for him or not? (I
can't throw him out - I tried that once, and he broke a window to get into the house and busted up all the furniture.)

After he left, that's when I found his checkbook and went grocery shopping, and bought the napkins and the wine glasses. It wasn't just revenge...I figured he owed them to me, because he had broken all my other glasses.

He told me I could never have a fire in our fireplace, because it was too shallow and the chimney needed to be cleaned. So I bought a Duraflame log (they don't burn as hot as wood) and for the first time in 13 years of living in this house, I had a fire in my fireplace, and it was beautiful. I had a fire extinguisher just in case, but there was no trouble at all.

To ice the cake, I went to my cousin's house and asked to buy her aquarium, because I knew she didn't want it. I have always wanted a saltwater aquarium but my husband refused to let me have one (too expensive, too much work, you won't take care of it). It's a very large aquarium, probably about 5x3 feet. Because my cousin isn't interested in it, it's only about half full of water and has just a couple of freshwater fish in it. The aquarium needs a lot of work and I know they ARE a lot of work, and I need to learn a great deal about taking care of saltwater tropical fish. But I need a hobby and I need to keep busy, and I have a well-paid job until at least Christmas. So that is my Christmas present to myself, since I really don't expect one from my husband. And that's okay.

I'm not sure what will happen now but my best guess is that my husband will stay at the house, although we won't sleep together. He needs to help me get this place cleaned up so we can sell it. There was a lot of water damage before we were finally able to fix the roof, and we have several rooms on the second floor where the ceiling is falling down or we have no ceiling at all, just wood rafters and insulation. I know how to patch and sand and paint and stain, but I can't install drywall or sand floors. (Well, maybe I could, who knows.) But my son is a commercial painter and both my cousin and brother are carpenters, and they have promised to help me.
All I have to do is supply the materials and the beer.

So I am doing fine. In fact, I don't know where this strength is coming from, but I thank God for it. My new job will help immensely, but it's more than that. I refuse to curl up on the couch and cry and hope my husband will return to me.

I know there are thousands - maybe millions - of people that are in the position I was in(particularly after the terrorist horror) - feeling alone, frightened, helpless and
hopeless. I pray for them and wish for them some of the strength thas has supported me.

Best wishes,
Gracie


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poster:Gracie2 thread:13574
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