Posted by Gracie2 on November 24, 2001, at 13:18:22
In reply to Re: Holiday Depression » robinibor, posted by Rosa on November 17, 2001, at 11:19:03
Christmas has always been kind of a horror for me.
It wasn't bad when I was young, because my mom likes little kids. But the older the four of us got the less she seemed to like us and by the time we were teenagers, she almost seemed to kind of hate us. She bought us some tokens for Christmas and threw a fit if we didn't cry with joy...she would start screaming, and lock herself in her room for the rest of the day. Now that I'm older, I believe she was clinically depressed, but at the time we had no idea what was going on.In 1985, when we were grown, my oldest brother Shayne was on his way home for Christmas - he was in the Army and had been stationed in the Sinai for six months on peace-keeping duty - when his plane crashed in Gander, Newfoundland. They sent Shayne home in a cigar box. We had been very close
and his death ripped a hole in my life that has not mended to this day. I wanted nothing to do with Christmas for many years, but I went through the motions because I had a small son, and I did it for him. For me, Christmas was a time of mourning.Last year, my favorite Aunt - who was more like a Mom to me than my own mother, and helped raise me-died a terrible, painful death of colon cancer right before Christmas. Right after Christmas, I lost a beloved Grandmother. I started to feel that I was cursed.
This year, my husband walked out on me the day before Thanksgiving. He just suddenly announced that he was leaving to visit cousins in Ohio. We have been together 18 years, and my husband has never talked to or mentioned cousins in Ohio.
Later, I tried to call my sister in Hawaii, and was informed by a Sprint representative that our long-distance calling privilages had been suspended because of "the unusual amount of activity on our Sprint phone card", that we owed over $500 on our bill. I was not aware that we owned a Sprint calling card; it's in my husband's name only. When I tried to question him about the bill on his secret card, he was evasive and nonchalant. Then he packed up his stuff and left, telling me that he needed time to think and that he would let me know whether he planned to stay with me or not after he returned from Ohio...or wherever he is.I took about 10 Xanax and walked around in shock
for awhile. I did not cry. Then I decided the best thing to do was to get as busy as I possibly could. I planned to have another Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday for my family (the ones I have left) and my son, who is 20 now and enjoys cooking, agreed to help me make everything from scratch. I found my husband's checkbook and we went shopping. I didn't buy anything in particular just for myself, but besides the food and good wine and Baileys, I bought new drinking and wine glasses - when my husband gets angry, he smashes glasses against the wall, and I was practically down to jelly-jars. I bought napkins and candles and tiny white lights for the huge ficus trees in our livingroom. I'm going to polish and wax everything. Everything will be perfect.If my husband doesn't return, I will probably go into the business of gun-running for awhile.
(I'm not supposed to own guns, since I've been in a mental hospital, but I know about them since I was in the Army myself for a long time.) My husband owns an arsenal of weapons. We live in a very old, nice house in a not-so-good part of the city, so I will probably keep a gun with a speed-loader and maybe a second gun (the fastest reload is another gun), along with a rifle. Everything else can go. I haven't made up my mind whether to sell the power tools or learn how to use them.I will also probably get a guard dog, maybe a German Shepard or a Rotweiler. I have a Golden Retriever, but he would let strangers in the house and show them where the goodies are if they would play with him for awhile. He loves everyone.
I haven't made any definate plans beyond that. Fix up the house and sell it, I guess. Maybe move to Key West. I have the kind of job where I can find work anywhere, thank goodness.
You guys say a prayer for me and if anyone is lonely on Christmas, write me and I will write you back. This is going to be very hard on me, but I will be okay. I think that Shayne and my anut and my grandmother are looking out for me -
maybe I'm just going crazy, but I feel it.You all take care-
Gracie
Gracie2114@aol.com
poster:Gracie2
thread:13574
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011117/msgs/14259.html