Posted by wendy b. on November 14, 2001, at 23:23:45
In reply to What do you think?, posted by Anna Laura on November 14, 2001, at 2:22:11
Hi Anna Laura,
Nice to hear from you, and to know you're feeling some relief from the depression.
> I've been feeling better lately (finger crossing) i guess because i eventually removed a major stress that has been influencing my life in the past years. Last but not least i added one more tablet of reboxetine to effexor (300 mg).
> The problem is the following: i'm feeling better even though i'm still depressed and i probably have to come a long way before i feel completelly cured; still the result it's satisfactory enough for me to start new activties and get more socially involved.
That's great! I don't have that desire at all right now, would rather stay home...
> I've got a problem though: even if i'm less anhedonic then i was before, i get this strange feeling of emotions coming on the surface not as much intensely as they did before: it's like they're kind of "slipping away" as long as they show up. Actually the're kind of "blurred" and dim.
I think Susan is right, it's sometimes frightening to get feelings back, sometimes like an old friend returning. Or just being surprised by it, oh yes, I remember how that feels.
> May be i'm content but my face shows no evident emotions, it's like i lost the capacity of feeling deep emotions.
I'm sure you didn't lose the capacity to feel deep emotions, but it feels like that to you right now, when things are starting to happen for you socially. Sometimes you try to look at yourself and imagine how others are perceiving you, but don't think about that too much. It never helps, and I finally figured out: no one else is that interested or is watching me that closely (i.e.: I am not the center of the universe).
> Is this because i'm still depressed or is it because i'm not used to feel emotions anymore since i've been anhedonic for a long time?Do i need a kind of "training" in order to feel emotions again?
I think maybe we do need to re-train ourselves. In group therapy, our therapist tells us we need to practice saying certain things like: I need something from you. Or: it makes me upset when you do that, and I'm not going to allow it any more. Or romantic love feelings, she says we need to practice them. I think of children at the age of about 3 or 4, and they practice the roles of adulthood: mommy and daddy, especially. Taking care of their 'babies,' (dolls), kissing them and pushing them around in strollers, or tucking them in for naps. These are skills they instinctively know they will need later in life. We still have to practice our feelings, though, even now.
> Or is it because my life had been emptied out because of depression (no friends, no social life, i lost my ideals) so that there is no evident reason to be happy for since there is nothing special or involving going on in my life at the time?
You can go out and laugh, enjoy yourself, and take it easy. Everything feels new again. Give yourself some time.
> Is it a negative thinking pattern influencing my emotional status?
Maybe not negative patterns, but a protective device. If you are not enjoying yourself when you are in social situations, you can ask yourself: what is this reminding me of? Why do I feel tense, upset, etc.?
> I'd like to know what you guys think since most of you are in my shoes (or have been).
I still wonder about these things. My depression isn't yet under control, though, and socially I'm always doubting myself, even though I know other people find me funny, attractive, interesting. I have a feeling that it will take some getting used to, getting back to the Real World.
let me know how you're doing.....